Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: TOP 10 REASONS YOU DO NOT NEED TO CARE ABOUT THE NFL DRAFT


by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Wonderlic scores. Honestly, we need to know how smart someone is before they play football? Most running backs count by kicking their feet. Special teamers are actively discouraged from having working frontal lobes. Vince Young scored so low, they took away his shoes and belt, for fear he'd hurt himself. And it doesn't matter. They are football players. They regard tests as something that only civilians have to deal with. Like paternity tests and police.

9. Mel Kiper Jr. As a rule, if the guy that knows a lot about something looks like he didn't sell enough cars to keep the gig at the Hyundai dealership, you are watching something that Does Not Matter. Move on.

8. Mike Mamula. This name is enough to send any longtime Eagles fan into a full-on shaking fit of pain. His workouts were so good, so awe-inspiring, so pants-wettingly wonderful that the Birds traded up for him, leaving Warren Sapp on the table. So instead of having a decade-plus of greatness on our side, we got to watch Mamula flail his way into an early and far-too-profitable retirement, while Sapp earned a ring in Tampa Bay... by beating the Eagles.

Now, what would have happened to Eagles fans if they hadn't known that Mamula was a workout wonder? Right, we'd have just hated him as was his due, rather than hated him while thinking wistfully about What Might Have Been with Sapp in the laundry. Drafts cause nothing but heartbreak!

7. Mr. Irrelevant. Oh ho ho ho, the last player picked is such a jolly fellow, is he not? Ho ho ho! Let us all make the exact same lame-ass jokes about him as last year, while fondly recalling that one Mr. Irrelevant that's still playing in the league, because every day of his life is filled with the nitro funny-car raw grain alcohol fuel of Unadulterated Hate that is Proving All You Sum'Bitches Wrong. And it's all fun and games now, before that guy finally splits his forehead veins wide open in a last heroic Scanners-esque burst of hate when he's in front of you at the airport security line, ruining the better part of your weekend and those shoes that you liked.

I tell you, Mr. Irrelevant is a time bomb, people. A ticking time bomb of ticking time bomb-ness.

6. Utter bullcrap team spokesmen. We'd never expected Guy That Only We Liked In This Round to fall to us in this round, Mel! We're just so happy, we're ready to fellate each other in a merry daisy-chain of draft goodness -- and we weren't expecting to be able to do *that* until the fourth round at least! Surely this day will be the glorious dawn of the new era of Cardinals / Bengals / Saints / Dolphins / Raiders football... and any resemblance to the videotape of what we said and did in the last five years running is a pure coincidence! For instance, we were only giving reach-arounds two years ago!

5. Buzzwords. Motor! Length! Burst! Eyes! Patience! Decisiveness! By the time the draft is over, you'll be convinced that such terms actually mean something quantifiable and concrete, rather than a Pavolvian catch-phrase for "Him Very Good Player, Me Want To Fellate Him Very Much." Worse yet, they will infect your mind like the Avian flu virus of stupidity that they are, and you'll start using them in everyday conversation. See how well it goes over with the boss when you tell her that she had nice burst in that meeting, and how Janet from Accounting needs more length.

4. Tediousness. Guess what happens if you don't watch your teams' picks in the NFL Draft? They still happen -- and you get back the 98% of the telecast that you spend waiting for that pick to happen. Unless you are being paid to report on this twerpishness, or you are in the biggest fantasy honk to exist outside of an MIT dorm room, you've got better things to do. Like watching paint dry, or old people die.

3. Track records. Is there anything more fun for a fan from a team that's been down and out than to have the past five to ten years of crap the bed picks rolled out for their continued bereavement? This just in -- Charger Fan lived through the Ryan Leaf Era, and he really doesn't want to be reminded about it. Lions Fan knows that Matt Millen has taken hundreds of crappy wideouts with this pick. Cardinal Fan knows that this lineman isn't going to work out any better than the other half-dozen wide load lardbags that came down the pike in past years. Vikings Fan has absolutely no interest in thinking about Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss.

It's like coming up to someone at their second wedding and comparing it to their first -- in other words, beyond rude, and straight into sadistic. TURN THE FREAKING PAGE!

2. No game. Here's something that would help the Draft for me -- an actual freaking game being played. Independent of that, this is Not Sport and does not need to be watched. End of story.

1. It only encourages them. You want a real spring league, rather than gimmick football in a box? Don't watch arena ball, and don't watch the NFL show you the inside of the sausage factory. Just say no!

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