2008 MLB PREVIEW: LETTER FROM FORMER GIANT BARRY BONDS

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Dear Giant Fans,

Hey, I your pain. You guys have been loyal fans to me and the Giants for a long time and look at how we are being repaid. The Giants refuse to bring me back to the team, and in doing so are saddling you with watching the worst offense in the history of the universe. And it definately sucks for all of us.

To put it simply, the entire Giants lineup in 2008 will have hit less home runs during their career than I have. That's 1 person, me, who is greater than all 8. It would be one thing if the roster consisted of young position players like the Devil Rays but nope, the Giants is mostly constructed of old men. Did you know Ray Durham has hit the most home runs on the entire roster? He hit .211 last year, you know how much it sucks having a guy hitting .211 as your 'protection'. The only other two scchmucks on the team that have over 100 career homers are the old fat catcher, I forgot his name, and Rich. He hit 5 last year. Woo.

Then the rest of the guys I don't know. I mean not likely I was friendly with them. I heard some guy from the Phillies is there to replace me. I think I remember a guy named Dave being on the team. He was small and had no power. Um, someone told me Omar got hurt and he's getting replaced by somebody with the name cock. Or Bocock or something. And there might have been a young kid name Dan who seemed decent actually. He might play first. But he was a rookie last year and I have a strict don't talk to rookies policy.

I guess the pitching could be good. But really does Barry Zito deserve money and I don't? Come on he's not really that good. He sucked last year. Ha, my buddy just told me Barry's got a 17 era so far this March. Ha. The Giants won't be able to score 17 runs in most weeks. Ha and Tiny Tim and Cain both have spring ERAs over 6 as well. That's pretty shitty.

And let's be honest no one in the bullpen was cool enough to talk to. They aren't exactly name players. I was gonna talk to the new closer Brian Wilson, but then I found out he wasn't the lead singer of the beach boys and just some kid named Brian Wilson so I decided against it.

So I've thought out a plan for this season. Just follow with me for a second. So we both like the West Coast. We both think the Giants are going to suck. We both know that the American League is the cooler league. So let's pick a new AL team to like aka one for me to play on. The A's are close by, but come on they're going to stink. So that leaves the Mariners. They could be good this year. No one dislikes the Mariners. Seattle is a fun city. Plus me and Ichiro are pretty damn tight. Look there's two pictures of us together. So you guys should all become Mariner fans and start petitioning their ownership to sign me. You know so you have someone familiar to cheer for. Ok so get to work.

Let's Go Seattle,
Barry