Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: 2008 MLB PREVIEW: MINNESOTA TWINS


This is Twins Territoryby Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Johan who? I am so over him. Torii Hunter? Pssh. Who needs him.

Okay, not really. But I guess if they felt underpaid, that's fine. You know what's kind of lame? I have this awesome Twins calendar, and so far, the first three months have featured players who are no longer with the team. One of them was Jason Bartlett, so that didn't hurt too bad.

After a couple huge offseason trades with the Mets and Rays, the Twins are officially rebuilding. With just two players on the roster over the age of 30, and two 22-year-old starters in the rotation, you have to wonder how this team of babies will fare in 2008.

Since I'm optimistic and a total homer, I think they're going to kick ass, even though everyone else in the baseball world seems to think they'll finish third or fourth in the division behind the Tigers, Tribe and GOD FORBID the White Sox.

Sure, they have no fricking clue who will start in centerfield since things haven't gone quite as well this Spring for Carlos Gomez as hoped... and their DH-wannabe, Jason Kubel, hit all of 13 homers all season long in 2007. But there is hope!

Livan Hernandez is kinda scaryLivan Hernandez, the projected Opening Day starter, may or may not turn out to be another Sidney Ponson fiasco. Youngster Scott Baker, who has all the potential in the world to be great, will start Game 2 of the season, which also happens to be the first game I'm hitting up.

No. 3 starter Boof Bonser lost 30 pounds in the offseason by avoiding McDonald's double quarter pounders with extra cheese. Way to go, buddy! That should increase his stamina and help him last beyond the fifth inning.

Francisco Liriano, who hasn't pitched in a regular season game for like, 18 months, has been bumped all the way down to the No. 4 spot in the rotation. I would love nothing more than to see him come back and dominate this year. Kevin Slowey, a strikeout pitcher with very little major league experience, rounds out the rotation. Minnesota-born lefty Glen Perkins, along with righties Nick Blackburn and Philip Humber could easily sneak into one of those slots if things go awry.

Let me make one thing clear: Joe Nathan is the only closer in the American League Central worth a dime. Here's hoping he fist-pumps his way to 40 saves this season. Behind him is a strong relief corps including the Neshek Shuffle, husky Dennys Reyes (funniest mugshot ever,) Juan Rincon, Matt Guerrier and Jesse Crain.

There's a spankin' new infield to look forward to, save for my Canadian Crusher, Justin Morneau at first base. Mike Lamb holds down the hot corner, while new-comers Brendan Harris and Adam Everett will tag team up the middle. Let's not forget Man Muscles Mauer squatting behind home when he's not showing off that sweet swing.

Future badass Delmon Young will start left field opposite Michael Cuddyer and his adorable dimples/cannon of an arm in right. Center is where they run into a little trouble. Gomez is having all sorts of problems making contact at the plate, batting a horrid .167 this Spring. Sparkling defense and puma-like speed just isn't going to cut it. Then again, Jason Pridie kinda sucks at baseball too, so they're just going to have to go with the lesser of two crapfests... someone needs to step up fast.

they double as moustaches and uni-brows!The only bench player I care to discuss is Craig Monroe, who I hope produces the bat he killed the Twins with last season, and steals the designated hitter job away from Kubel. Monroe's $3.8 million contract is not guaranteed, so they can drop him at any time if he sucks Nick Punto style.

Things to look forward to in 2008: Joe Mauer sideburns night, Dome dogs and beer, Morneau breaking his nose at least once, Cuddy's cannon, the return of Franchise, trash bag walls, Bert Blyleven's on-air shenanigans, and Gardy getting tossed. A lot.

Wow, that preview was ridiculous. Go Twins!

3 comment(s):

Tuffy said...

Another slam on Joe Borowski! Did he kick your puppy or something? And, if so, how on Earth did he hit the target?

DMtShooter said...

Bobby Jenks isn't a total mess, but Nathan's is the finest.

Sooze said...

This Borowski-bashing won't fly under he radar for much longer... I have a feeling I'm going to have to send him a fruit and cheese basket by June.

I totally forgot to add one thing to the preview: the devastating absence of free agent outfielder Josh Rabe... I guess I have nothing to say about him except that he was one hot piece of Minnesota Nice.

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