2008 MLB PREVIEW: LETTER FROM THE NATIONALS' ELIJAH DUKES

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Yo Dawgs,

You all ready for some excitment in this piece? We be bringing some brand new flavor to Washington starting with me, Elijah Dukes. The Devil Rays couldn't handle my ferocity so they sent me to the great crime free city of Washington DC to reign supreme. So let me get you boys fired up about my new team of soldiers, my blood brothers.

Our rotation is going to be is going to be top notch. We got Shawn Hill. Pimp won 4 games last year. That's 4 more games than I won and we all know the skill level Elijah holds. Johnnie Patterson scored a touchdown in each game he pitched with his 7.47 ERA. Bergmann was even nastier than Hill, he dominated in 6 games. John Lannan is tough as nails, dude broke Chase Utley's wrist during a game. Matt Chico makes a mean taco salad. And you want depth shit we got depth son. Tim Redding and Tyler Clippard are former Yanks that's how ballin we are. We stole Yankee pitchers.

But enough about our rotation. Our team is gonna be straight Gangsta. You got me, DaMeat Hook, Ronnie Belliard, Christian Guzman, and of course my two out field boys Wily Mo and Lastings Milledge. We be the #1 rapping outfield in the nation. Check that Universe. And you know if we get in any bench clearing brawls we'll be pounding some skulls into the ground and painting home plate with the fools blood. We ain't messin around this season.

We even got new stomping grounds in DC. No more of that mile long football field crap they used to play. Na sir Elijah ain't gonna taint himself by playing in anything but a brand new stadium. We brought the fences in and na my boy Felipe Lopez can start hittin some homers again when he patrols the middle. And Zimmerman can show that he's than that Metro Sexual Met that's from his home town.

Better yet, you want some HGH? We got a Paul Lo Duca sponsored HGH tent in the centerfield bleachers. Just gotta place your order with Paulie 24 hours prior to the game and it's a simple pick up. Plus in June we got free syringe night, and free voice me from me. You ain't gonna pass up on that shit. Are you? You want me to bust your face in? Ya I didn't think so. No one fucks with Elijah.

Yo, and don't worry when you come to the field there will always be a fence between me and your womens so that's one less thing to worry about. I mean during the game of course. After the game I'm knocking them up and then bangin em in the ear.

Buy some fuckin tickets. I'm out.

DUKES