Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: MEMOIRS OF A PACKERS FAN

MEMOIRS OF A PACKERS FAN

by Raging M, The Angry T

I awoke Tuesday morning as I do every morning: an alarm clock that recites random Vince Lombardi quotes (as if anything that came from that man’s lips could be classified as ‘random’). I did my business in the bathroom, checked the house thermostat—Yup, a brisk 42 degrees Fahrenheit—and opened up my copy of the Green Bay Press Gazette. Placing the national and local news sections on the floor for my bulldog Gouda to do is ‘morning business’ since at -14 degrees Fahrenheit outside his little testicles turn from an outtie into an innie. Besides, who needs to read those sections? So I do not pass ‘Go’, I do not collect $200, and I go directly to the Sports section to check the daily NFL Combine recruits that the Packers may bring in to surround...

What is this? What the poop is THIS!?!

This can’t be right. Why? He’s still got so much life in him. The arm’s still live. They should have won the Super Bowl last year. In fact, I’m sure Manning was juicing and my buddy said he knows a guy who saw the Giants video taping the Packers practices illegally—but that’s another argument for another time.

My world begins to spin. I wake up almost 2 hours later—on the floor, Gouda lapping the vomit from my right cheek, the world’s still circling a bit. I pull myself back to my Lazy Boy, pull a pen and paper from the adjoining Packer helmet-shaped end-table, and begin to write a haiku to express my initial loathing:

Brett Lorenzo Favre

Arm strength like slate chin bristles

Saganaki tears

The sudden realization hits me that I am officially late for work, so I quickly pick up my phone and call in. Ring. Ring. Ring. No answer. Oh, silly me. Everyone else must already know—work’ll be shut down for one, maybe two weeks. Likely there will be counselors available to discuss panic, anxiety, and depression issues, as there are after all Packer losses. I better make my appointment soon—there will be a line around the building on this one.

Wait, is today April Fool’s Day? No, about a month off. It makes sense for me to ask though, considering that just over a year ago His Majesty told ESPN’s Chris Mortensen that he probably was going to retire before this past season. Favre was quoted as saying, "If I had to pick right now and make a decision, I would say I'm not coming back." So maybe this is just another attempt at one more sports elite record. I run to my library—well, it’s not a library per se, but rather a collection of transcripts from NFL Live for review of any nay-saying of Green Bay and subsequent wreckless blogging. In my quest, I find the following information:

Most Career Faked Retirements in the 4 Major U.S. Sports:

Roger Clemens.......................................................................32

Brett Favre..............................................................................32

Magic Johnson – Athlete........................................................25

Michael Jordan.......................................................................22

Magic Johnson – Nighttime Talk Show Host........................12

Mario Lemieux.........................................................................8

Phew. That was a close call. Clearly there is nothing to fret now. He’s just going after another record he shares with some baseball pansy...and Mr. Favre does NOT share records, period.

I finish my day tucking myself back into my bed—a tumble of green and yellow pillows, sewn together Packer jerseys, and a custom-made Favre Wrestling Buddy.

I say my prayers, close my eyes, and just before I drift to slumber land, I find myself having a final fleeting thought: I hope John Madden doesn’t kill himself tonight. Amen.

Raging M

2 comment(s):

JA said...

wow, really good article. nice to read something about favre that's actually funny and doesn't talk about how great he is constantly. i'll check out your other site for more reads.

Anonymous said...

People are ridiculous, one of the best quarterbacks the NFL has ever seen retires, and people are angry that there's so much coverage about his greatness. I understand getting annoyed about it in every game that he played, but check the record books, check the highlights, you can't deny he's at least top 10 ever if not top 5.

That said, this article was hilarious.


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