MLB SEASON PREVIEW: SCHLITZBURGH PIRATES

by Tbone, The Sports Hernia

I read this sentence today -- "the Pirates haven't posted a record above .500 since winning the National League East with a 96-66 mark in 1992 with Barry Bonds in the outfield and Jim Leyland on the bench as manager." Wow. I think we all knew things had been pretty awful for the Pirates the past several years but that shit is downright depressing. Are there any Pirates fans left? If so, are any of them excited about the season? If so, what are they excited about, is Sid Bream coming back?

For starters, both literally and figuratively, the Pirates have a pitcher named Ian Snell. Somehow the name Ian Snell just doesn't seem like it would fly in the city of Pittsburgh, change his name to Rusty Snell and we may have something. Even more interesting, they've signed a pitcher with a name seemingly destined for the Pirates organization in Evan Meek.

Other issues? The Pirates aren't known to empty the vault much but they somehow traded for Matt Morris last year whose making an easy $9 million (that's $412 million in Pirate dollars). They then tried trading him in the offseason and shockingly, no one needed his inspiring services. Depressing. Now they're spinning the Morris thing as him being a 'veteran' for the young guys. Expect exceptional awfulness.

Worse, first baseman and former bag of chips for the Yanks, Josh Phelps, is listed as a 'key loss' from last year. Even worse, Byung-Hyun Kim and Jaret Wright are listed as 'key additions'. Worse than that, Jack Wilson is expected to regain his confidence after the imposing Hall of Fame presence of Cesar Izturis has left via free agency. But worst of all, their catcher's name is Ronny Paulino and he doesn't even have a mustache. Add that to learning recently Freddy Sanchez's status for Opening Day is unknown and yeah, sounds like a party.

The bright side? The biggest key to their lineup, Jason Bay, batted .247 last year. Only in Pittsburgh would this be looked at as a positive, but because of such a miserable year it's possible he'll bounce back and post similar numbers to what he did in 2006 (35Hrs, 109 RBIs). Or he won't and he'll just suck some more.

Expect the latter.