MLB SEASON PREVIEWS: THE REST OF THE TEAMS THAT NO OTHER CARNIE CARED ABOUT

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Hey, unwanted foster fans of MLB-! It's your old hacky list monkey here to sow some cruelty on your meager hopes. Let's get on to the bloodletting!

Chicago White Sox

Good lord, you do know that Jose Contreras is older than Luis Tiant and it's not a federal offense to not start him, don't you? He's so bad, even the Ligues don't want to sully their hands on him. But that's OK, because you won a World Series in this century, which means you aren't due for another one, um, ever.

It'll be another season to forget as Mark Buehrle slowly fades into obsolescence, Javier Vazquez toils for no good reason, and the non-Bobby Jenks parts of the bullpen reenact the finer work of Mrs. O'Leary's cow.

It all adds up to 75 wins, 87 losses, and a return to your rightful place as the sad-sack second string in the Second City. And if you're wondering what's fueling the hate for your team when I still have fond feelings for Ozzie Guillen, Jim Thome, Bobby Jenks and Jermaine Dye, I have just two words for you... "He gone." Yes, your television announcers being an offense against humanity counts that much.

Seattle Mariners

Never has so few carried the dead weight of so many. Last year, the M's rode Ichiro, a growing amount of Adrian Beltre, two months of Raul Ibanez having a pulse, King Felix and a great pen led by JJ Putz to the first winning record since people thought that video footage of fish being thrown was novel. But they were doomed by the epic awfulness of Richie Sexson, the more ordinary awfulness of Jose Vidro, the world's most punchless DH, and a back half of the rotation that managed to have horrible numbers in a pitcher's park, with a good defense, and a great bullpen. That takes talent, really.

This year, expect a slightly more deluxe version of the same. Felix and Bedard give them two possible aces and the dreaded "Dangerous In A Short Series" monicker, but the bully can't be as good again, and they still give the ball to numbnuts like Jarrod Washburn and Jeff Weaver.

So let's call it 85 wins, many of them coming from the AAAA shows going on in Oakland and Texas. In the immortal words of noted philosopher-king Derrick Coleman, Whoop De Damn Doo.

Houston Astros

Is it over yet? Has Craig Biggio really retired, or is it all a cruel tease, so that the prevailing memory of one of the best second basemen to ever play the game can continue to be his Pete Rose Lite act to hurt the team for a record?

No, the coast looks clear. Phew.

Now, the 'Stros hope for a rebirth from suspected Roid Achiever Miguel Tejada, and cloning from Roy Oswalt. One of the worst farm systems in the majors won't help much, and nor will the over-exposure of Michael Bourn in center.

It helps that the division is Comedy Central, and that the bullpen should be better, so long as Jose Valverde can stay healthy. (Hearty laughter goes here.) But they'd need way too much offense from a team that seems incapable of putting a bullet in Brad Ausmus's head.

Tragic 8-ball says... 76 wins, 86 losses, many satisfying naps.

Milwaukee Brewers

You know, I had a really in-depth piece in mind for this intriguing collection of talent... but then I dropped my laptop while smacking myself in the head.

Then, while trying to fix the laptop, I set the cat on fire while generating a sports hernia.

In other words, I pulled a Brewer!

This year, the team has vowed not to lose with the jaw-dropping defense of Ryan Braun at third. Instead, they'll play Bill Hall there, have Braun graze in left, swap out Braun in the late innings with people who don't regard catching the baseball as rocket science, and have Tony Gwynn's non-hitting kid try to make center, well, go better than when Hall was there.

Prince Fielder's still here to mash, and if Sheets, Gallardo and Co. stay healthy without watching the gloves cost them up to 6 wins a year... well, maybe.

And then they go and ruin the whole thing with Eric Gagne. Yikes. Let's call it...83-79 and watching the playoffs just like you and me.

Tomorrow -- the Cards, Rockies and Padres wrap it all up. Try to contain your excitement!