THE 'ROID REPORT FOR THE WEEK OF MARCH 2

by Gary Gaffney, MD, Steroid Nation

We apologize for the late report on last week's steroid circus. We got caught with our collective pants down.

A story from the Wizard of Odds gave us something to chew on. Marketing material from a maker of a mouth guard claims that a small electrical signal from the device and the neuromuscular alignment corrections produced from correct jaw alignment result in anabolic effects equal to steroids or HGH. We find that hard to swallow.

Speaking of HGH, we lauded Iowa Senator Charles Grassley (and New York Senator Charles Schumer for introducing a bill that would regulate HGH as a controlled substance. Although HGH is currently a prescribed drug (that really stops abuse doesn't it) and is treated like a controlled substance by the DEA, it is logical to make the deal official.

Speaking of Congress, New York Congressman Anthony Weiner threw out his opinion that Congressional steroid hearings and forensic steroid probes are a waste of time; we suggest listening to Congressmen Weiner is a waste of time. We gave a few million reasons why steroid and PED abuse constitutes a sleazy gazillion-dollar business for organized crime. Seems to us that Congress and government should focus more on drug abuse and organized crime than focusing on other things like prostitutes, male interns, lobbying groups etc. Steroids are not pork, Congressman.

Of course there is a medical use for steroids. Ex-Yankee great and current YES broadcaster Bobby Murcer reminds of that fact. Murcer admitted he takes prescribed steroids following treatment for a brain tumor. Hang in there and good luck, man.

Roger Clemens seems to have drawn quite a bit of attention to himself. Congress, the Department of Justice, the FBI, and the IRS are all hanging with Roger in Texas, investigating his PED use, and his 'roided up Congressional testimony. Reports say BALCO superstar investigator Jeff Novitzky now cruises Houston, and not just to take in the local culture. A local gym owner and ne'er-do-well Shaun Kelley has been drawing quite a bit of attention. This dude appears to run a very interesting gym that could be the center of PED distribution; no word if any Rocket fuel was found at the gym.

Marion Jones sprinted into federal prison in Fort Worth Texas last week. Jones, arguably the most prominent female athlete of the past decade, begins serving a prison sentence for lying to federal investigators about her steroid and PED use. Jones now takes her place by disgraced Olympic athletes like Canada's Ben Johnson, who also won tainted and doped gold medals.

Lastly, we spied a report on how steroid use induced a UK man to text message his girlfriend 12,00 times in one month. Could steroids have induced Kelvin Sampson's text-messaging mania? Stay tuned for other unanswerable and tongue-in-cheek questions next week.