THE 'ROID REPORT FOR THE WEEK OF MARCH 23

by Gary Gaffney, MD, Steroid Nation

The BALCO/steroid/perjury trial of Tammy Thomas in San Francisco this week got hairy... literally. Federal prosecutors think Thomas gave them a 'bald'-faced lie when she denied anabolic steroid use. As we mentioned last week in the Roid Report, a physician recorded that Thomas needed to shave her beard daily; also we found out the drugs grew hair on her chest, caused male-pattern baldness, and deposited 60 pounds of muscles on her bones.

Patrick Arnold -- steroid chemist genius -- testified he communicated extensively with Thomas, as well as sent her some norbolethone and THG (this is documented in a very important piece Mark Fainaru-Wada penned for ESPN). To cover her muscular butt, Arnold promoted Thomas to concoct a story about the morning after pill:

Arnold, knowing that norbolethone had characteristics similar to contraceptives, offered one explanation for Thomas.

"I suggested to Tammy a cover story could be contrived that involved telling the doping agency that she was on the morning-after pill," Arnold testified. "… She was interested in pursuing that avenue."

Asked to define a cover story, Arnold said, "A false story to cover up the truth."

Ironically, Thomas' doctor also noted genital enlargement in Thomas, likely due to the androgenic effects of the anabolic steroids. Anabolic steroids act as a pretty good counter to conception, thus obviating the need for anything 'morning after' except possibly 'morning after' surgery to correct gross genital abnormalities. Side effects of these drugs in females may be particularly brutal.

Steroid guru Arnold's ex-girlfriend opined that the brilliant chemist sucked at business. Former women's bodybuilder Kelcey Dalton (pictured - right) said the operation only received $10-20 per vile of 'the clear'. Imagine, world-class track records, Olympic gold medals, and MLB home run records on the cheap.

Names mentioned so far in the trial include Marion Jones, Tim Montgomery, Bill Romanowski, and Dana Stubblefield. Montgomery and Jones gave their awards back; will Stubblefield and Romo give back too?

IRS agent and BALCO superstar investigator Jeff Novitzky took time off his pursuit of Jose Canseco to testify in the Thomas trial. He related stories of pursuing the BALCO operation of Victor Conte, including combing BALCO trash for needles and syringes. We will hear similar testimony this summer when Novitzky testifies in the Barry Bonds ritualistic perjury trial of the millennium. Bonds's lawyer must be preparing defenses even as we symbolically speak; let's hope they aren't too trashy.

Speaking of the man and the legend, the mighty Jose Canseco's book leaked out to Deadspin this week. Excerpts from his Pulitzer-Prize contending book "Vindicated" condemned the despised A-Rod -- Alex Rodriguez -- and also Magglio Ordonez. Not only did Canseco point the hated A-Rod to a steroids dealer, but A-Rod pointed himself toward Canseco's woman, the lovely Jessica ex-Canseco. Did we mention Canseco holds some animosity toward A-Rod?

Canseco continues to live in denial about Roger Clemens's juicing, prompting some writers to wonder if money exchanged hands there.

Fainaru-Wada and fellow "Game of Shadows' author Lance Williams held court at Penn State recently with steroids expert Charles Yesalis. Yesalis shocked the free world by stating 90-95% of NFL players use HGH; this shocked the free world that pays zero attention to the huge bodies out there for the NFL.

Mike Wallace -- of "60 Minutes fame" pays attention; Canseco claims Wallace showed interest in PEDs including HGH. Does Wallace juice to maintain his incredible 90 year-old physique? Stay tuned...tick tick tick.

Jose Guillen (Royals) and Jay Gibbons (Orioles) received a reprieve this week, when fickle MLB Commissioner Bud Selig backed off a 15 day suspension for the two due to their PED use. And for good reason: they only cheated for the good of humanity and their financial bottom lines. Baseball seems to be all about financial bottom lines and not integrity of the game (ask the old timers)

Lastly, some athletes mixing doping and drugging missed out on the big reprieve of life: famous pro cyclist Valentino Fois, dead at age 34. Fois -- a teammate of famous cyclist Marco Pantani who also doped then died at an early age -- lived a tortured life of doping, drugging, drinking and depression. Not to get into moralizing, but that's a behavioral equation that leads to trouble.

The MLB season opens this week; here's hoping the player can stay away from doping, drugging, drinking, and dying this year. Just don't go near ex-jocks, cops, nor Myspace for your dope supplies.