SEASON PREVIEW: OAKLAND A'S

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

My original plan in writing a season preview for the only MLB team that I have ever held season tickets for was to research every aspect of the very fine Athletics Nation Web site, then cross-check that against the fantasy implications from Rotowire and Baseball Prospectus. Then, I was going to wrap it all up in a strong and stirring eulogy and memoir of what it was like to spend 20 games a year in the 300 level of the doomed Oakland Alameda County Coliseum.

(And yes, I know there's a corporate name for it, but they aren't paying me to say it, so they can go pound sand. Think about this the next time you don't call where the White Sox play Comiskey, or where the Giants play Pac Bell. Life is too short, and the world would be better off if we all just stopped adjusting the names every few years while being the puppets of some brand marketing scheme where everyone is getting paid but the fan. But I digress.)

Then I decided, hey, you know what? Screw it.

Instead of busting my hump to tell you whether or not Travis Buck is anything more than a slightly younger Mark Kotsay, or how Bobby Crosby has hurt himself now, I've decided to trade in all of my effort and talent to some other Web site, one that pays more. I'll fill my obligations here by passing the assignment on to a 14-year-old from the Third world, and pay him as little as humanly possible. Best of all, I'll get to make exactly the same amount from writers that, you know, actually gave a crap and wrote something good.

But before I take my leave of you all, I'm going to give you the finger. A lot. With both hands, just on the off chance that anyone from the A's will read this. Ready? Here we go! (The n is a knuckle. Sanjay's invention. He's bright for an Untouchable. Shame about the leprosy, though.)

Anyway, back to flipping you off.

n|n n|n

And now, sideways, gangsta style. (Please turn your head 90 degree to the left or right.)

n|n n|n

In other words, I'm going to do just what the Oakland A's are going to do this year: take the money and run. How's that taste, EC readers? I bet it tastes like six months in a room with your incontinent great aunt and 2-year-old nephew -- who are, by the way, candidates for the 4 and 5 slots in the A's rotation until they get their Fremont Pleasure Palace. (By the way, I've lived in Fremont, and that last sentence is the first time that the word "Pleasure" was in close proximity to the town.) The team promises they'll start trying again as soon s they are in their new crib, and to cash the revenue-sharing checks from MLB+ teams for a guaranteed profit before then. How nice for them, really!

Take it away, Sanjay!

* * * * *

Thank you, most honorable Shooter. The A's are my favorite American cricket team, because their new home of Fremont has the greatest concentration of my people in all of the United States. I can not wait to try the Tandoori Hot Dogs with curry at the new park! (This is, of course, not true. I will most likely be dead by then.)

The 2007 A's finished with a record of 76-86, then followed the franchises' historic pattern of following playoff-caliber baseball with suffering. Pitching and defense was a strength, but the offense was one of the worst in baseball, even taking into account the strong pitcher's park that they play their home games in. This is what happens when you replace a near-MVP level designated hitter (Frank Thomas) with a man who is best known, at this point in his career, for his strenuous assertions of heterosexuality (Mike Piazza). Thank you for not being gay or effective, Mike!

The two best players on last year's team might have been Dan Haren and Nick Swisher, who were both sold off for sweatshop prospects. The team will rely on Rich Harden to be the ace of the pitching staff, which would be a good idea if Mr. Harden showed any ability to pitch for more then ten minutes at a time without hurting himself. The offense will revolve around third baseman Eric Chavez, who has either become chronically injured or ineffective or both.

Strengths for the team should include the bullpen, at least until the starting pitching melts down often enough to reduce them to putty. If Huston Street, Justin Duchscherer, Keith Foulke, Alan Embree and Kiko Calero are all healthy and effective, the A's will be able to... trade some of them later for more cheap players. That is what we call in my country, "horrible."

The rotation will rely on Joe Blanton (before he is traded), Harden (before he is hurt), Chad Gaudin (before he runs out of gas), and whoever looks the least regrettable in spring training for the last two slots (Dana Eveland, Dallas Braden, Lenny DiNardo, Dan Meyer). Which means that the entire rotation could be in more or less permanent flux for the entire season.

Offensively, the excitement will be whether Daric Barton is ready for prime time and a run at the Rookie of the Year award... or if he's just going to be the newer and momentarily cheaper Dan Johnson. If Crosby and Mark Ellis can stay healthy, that would help, because the outfield is going to be Royals-esque... so much so that Emil Brown is employed here, which is really all you need to say about the chances of the 2008 team winning anything. Jack Cust is also on hand to prove that career minor leaguers with good years always get better the next year. On the plus side, if he has a good year, he'll be moved for cheaper players.

Mr. Shooter says I should predict a final won-loss record, and if I am correct, he will double my pay and send me his old socks. So here goes... 70-92, but with a record closer to .500 in the second half of the season, and many good seats available for any game not involving the Giants, Red Sox or Yankees, with many very bitter ex-season ticket holders. Go A's!