by HP, Hardwood Paroxysm
There’s something particularly intense about playoff races. The playoffs are of course, the pinnacle, the furious center of the whirlwind. But in a situation like Denver, Dallas, and Golden State find themselves in, it’s maddening because of its dimension. They can’t focus on each game, who’s in front of them. They have road trips to multiple cities, they have injuries to key players where they don’t know when they’ll get players back, they have fierce competition from multiple teams who are also fighting for playoff position. And on top of all this, they’re faced with, whether they’ll admit it or not, they have to pay attention to what other teams are doing as well.
So in a lot of ways, it’s like the 1981 Burt Reynold’s comedy hit, Cannonball Run.
Yes, the similarities between the two are truly striking. Both feature an ensemble cast of mad-cap characters, each vying for their own piece of fortune and glory. Both revolve around a furious race to the finish line in a race that is not for the faint of heart. And both will end with only the best holding the golden cup, a probable first round elimination at the hands of a much better team.
Let's take a look, eh?
Golden State Warriors = J.J. McClure and Victor Prinzi (AKA Captain Chaos)- Modified Dodge Tradesman Disguised As Ambulance: The good guys, if there are any. Cheeky and a bit maniacal, with a deranged smile and incomparable luck, the Warriors can garner no other comparison than Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise’s rogues who play the stars of the film. The Warriors road to the playoffs is as difficult as getting through Missouri without being stopped by the fuzz. They open their final nine games with a four game road trip to San Antonio, Dallas, Memphis, and New Orleans. They’re going to need to win 2 of those 4 just to keep pace. Then a three game homestand against Sacramento, Denver, and the LA Clippers. That sounds easy, but when you consider that Sacramento will be in full on spoiler mode, Denver obliterated the Dubs last weekend, and the Clippers will most likely be playing with Elton Brand, well…they’re going to need Baron Davis going into Captain Chaos mode a lot. And make no mistake. In this scenario, Boom Dizzle is Dom DeLouise. Because Captain Jack is clearly Burt Reynolds, and Monta Ellis is the “Beauty” they kidnap. Finally, they get Phoenix who’ll be resting starters and Seattle who’ll be tanking. They get two cracks at the guys they’re in the race with, one on the road and one at home. They need to sweep them both in order to feel good about things, and that’s just for starters. The finish line in California can’t get there soon enough.
Projected Finish: 7-2
Dallas Mavericks = Jill Rivers and Marcie Thatcher- black Lamborghini Countach: The Mavericks play the part of the ultra-sexy pair of babes who use sex appeal to their advantage in the chase for the finish line. Take a second and get the image of Dirk in one of those jumpsuits out of your head. Okay, now douse yourself down in peroxide to get the jeebies off. Good, now we can continue. Rivers and Thatcher seem to outsmart everyone before running into a taste of their own medicine as a female cop busts them (that would be the Kidd trade, if you’re keeping track). The Mavericks start out with a rough spot, at home, backs against the wall against the Warriors, most likely in their last game without Mr. Dirkalicious. From there, it gets worse, with back to backs, on the road, against the Lakers and Phoenix. Both teams will be in a dogfight for the division title, Gasol will be back, and it’s too soon to rest starters. Yikes. Luckily, then they’ve got Seattle, Utah, Portland and Seattle, with the Utah game at home, against a Jazz team that is physically incapable of winning on the road. They end with a game against New Orleans, but the Hornets should know where they’re at and looking to grease Peja’s wheels. If they can weather the early storm, they’ve got a shot at this thing. Funny thing. The women ended up winning the Cannonball Run.
Projected Finish: 5-3
Denver Nuggets: Jamie Blake and Morris Fenderbaum- red Ferrari 308 GTS: The sneaky, scotch-swilling cons, dressed as priests. What better way to describe the “sneak in the backdoor without playing defense” Nuggets? I suppose AI is Sammy Davis, Jr. and Melo is Dean Martin in this scenario. Although JR Smith might be more appropriate. Either way, the Nuggets are the main adversaries to the other two, and will resort to a hot streak at the end to try and overcome the odds and get in. They’ve got four on the road, and four at home. They finish off the one and one with the Suns tonight in Denver, then get Sacramento at home. Their road trip gives them some momentum, with Seattle and LA, who may not have Brand back yet. Then the big one, Golden State at the Roaracle, and Utah at home, where they can actually win games. Luckily for them, Utah will have the division and their playoff spot sewn up, and may be looking to rest starters. Then it’s Houston, and God knows how that will go, before finishing their season at home versus Memphis and tank city. The Phoenix game and the Golden State game will probably decide whether their season ends on April 16th, or four games later.
Predicted Finish: 4-4.
Cue the whacky bloopers reel!
by HP, Hardwood Paroxysm