DO NOT GO TO THE CONGO...FOR ANY REASON, INCLUDING ATTEMPTING TO RESCUE AMY THE TALKING GORILLA...FROM THE MOVIE CONGO

by T, The Angry T

I like the think that when I write something on Epic Carnival, you view it as a public service announcement. A few months back, when I wrote about a dude who drunkenly swallowed his house key, so his friends couldn't force him to go home, I was hoping that I could convince the masses not to eat pieces of metal when they are drunk. A couple weeks ago, I wrote about how you should never drink with a six year old, because six year olds are, in general of course, lightweights.

Today, I want to give you probably the most important piece of advice I have ever given anyone: DON'T GO TO THE CONGO. (even to find King Solomon's mines)

Holy hell, did you have any idea that people could steal your penis, just by putting voodoo spells on it? That is some of the scariest shit I have ever heard.

Voodoo Sorcerer: "Excuse me sir, sorry for bumping into you."

Me: "No problem."

VS: "By the way did you check your penis since I bumped into you?"

Me: "No why (touches penis), what do y................AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Where is my penis? It gone!"

VS: "Yes it is, HAHA. I can give it back, but only for 50 million dollars. MUHAHAAHAHAHAHAH.

I imagine that how it goes down most of the time. No wonder people want to kill these sorcerers, they are stealing penises hand over fist.

In all honestly, I think my favorite part of this story is his paragragh:

Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.

That seems fair, as long as you accuse someone of being a penis snatcher before you kill them, you are granted legal impunity. I have a whole list of people, Danny McGrath style, that I would love to accuse of penis snatching.

To wrap up, heed my warning about Congo, you have no clue what penis shrinkage or lack of a penis can do to your social life, dealings with family, or burgeoning porn career. Sigh...