I HAVE A SUGGESTION FOR THE OLYMPICS

by Sterling Gould, Staff Writer

You know, a lot of hub-bub has been going on about these Olympic Games and how China is an evil country and whatever. Something about "Tibet" and people getting treated badly or something. Are they like... practicing cannibalism over there? I don't know. What I do know is, is that there's been a few small protests over the whole situation and some hooligans trying to douse the flame being carried by the torch bearer.

Look, I'm no pot-smoking "Save the Trees, Love the Bees" kinda guy, but I think I've got an answer to all of this that'll stop these protests and keep people happy fo' sho'.

How lame is "The Olympic Torch Bearer"? Get real Olympic Games, this is the 21st century. The days of the torch are done, let's use technology to REALLY kick off these games. Who's going to fear someone carrying a torch? Not I, that's for sure. But someone carrying the Olympic Flame Thrower?

Nothing says "Hey, would you kindly back the fuck away from the Olympic Flame?" than arming the bearer with highly potent pyro-based artillery.