LIVE AT THE HOSERDOME, APR. 3: ONE NATION UNDER THE PUCK

by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field

Puckheads have immunity, so if you you get hammered, you can't sue; sinister Swedish conspiracies; the most exciting playoff race since, well, last year; the 2007 Mets have nothing on the tanking Sens Army; and in case you needed reminding, "CROSBY ... DOESN'T ... STOP!"

It's good to know that Canadian journalists are taking up the cause of arguing that puckheads don't have to follow the rules and laws that keep the rest of us from acting like retarded gangbangers.

You probably heard that Jonathan Roy, son of Montreal Canadiens legend Patrick Roy, lost his mind during a Quebec junior league game two weeks ago. Roy Jr., whose dad is his coach with the Quebec Remparts, skated down the ice and laid a beatdown on the opposing goalie, Bobby Nadeau, who since his team was winning 7-1 at the time, thought better of fighting back.

It was messed up, but not as messed up as the national hockey writer who, after the Roys got their pee-pees slapped with lengthy suspensions, resorted to homophobic name-calling to slag Nadeau. Pierre LeBrun, of The Canadian Press and sportsnet.ca, instead of saying what the Roys did has no place in the sport, used the term "Nancy Boy" to criticize a 20-year-old goaltender who decided he'd rather play goal than fight:

When did the tree huggers take over this bloody country? When did we all become such bleeding hearts that a junior hockey brawl shocked our collective senses so badly we became outraged?

Cripes, if anyone should be criticized it should be Chicoutimi goalie Bobby Nadeau for standing there like a Nancy Boy and not trying to defend himself when Roy came after him. (Italics mine.)

Clearly, what happened to Nadeau was all his fault. I've always felt the same way about people who get run over by drunk drivers. How dare they assume they can just walk down the street? In the space of the same week, a reporter implied that an Edmonton Oilers sweater-wearing fan who was jumped by five guys in Calgary after a game last Saturday brought it on himself.

The Oilers fan ended up with a broken nose after being unable to defend against the 5-on-1 assault. The article went to great pains (pun intended) to apologize for Calgary and cast the assaultee as the A-hole for tweaking the other guys by calling out, "How about those Flames?" after Edmonton's 2-1 win. The guys who ganged up on him -- 5-on-1, that's effed-up -- are just regular Joes.

With a broken nose and fractured cheek, Andrew Parker has learned a painful lesson about what can happen if you mouth off to strangers after a few beers.

... Parker was not targeted simply for wearing an Oilers jersey. The Oilers jersey got him noticed, but Parker's mouth got him into trouble.

That's right up there with, "She's shouldn't have been wearing that dress." It's good to know that this where my country's sense of right or wrong is headed -- red-blooded hockey lovers have free reign to act like hooligans, since hockey is all mom, hot dogs and apple pie.

Goalies who would rather play goal than fight needlessly should have their sexuality questioned. Oilers fans in Calgary deserve to have their face busted. (Much obliged to Jes Golbez and The Tao of Stieb.)

PLAYOFFS? PLAYOFFS?

The best way for dealing with the final two weeks of the regular season in The Wonderful World of Gary Bettman is hide under some coats and hope that somehow everything will work out.

Who's playing who in the first round of the playoffs in a week's time? Who's in and who'll be blowing the dust off the golf clubs? Damned if I know.

It should be great, gripping drama. The NHL's whole set-up is more clusterphooey than the presidential primaries, but it ensures that some of the seedings will be up in the air right up until Sunday afternoon, the final day of the regular season. There's no way of knowing if the 16 best teams are really going to the playoffs. The charity point (hat tip to Greg Wyshinski) teams get in the standings for losing in overtime or a shootout, plus playing each team in your division eight times takes away all the clarity.

There will be 16 teams gearing up for the playoffs come Monday and that will mean publishing Volume II of The Hoser's Guide To Hockey Hatred.

CAPITAL GAG

For about two months, the Ottawa Senators have basically gotten along like Oliver and Barbara Rose.

The 2007 Mets have nothing on the Sennies, who would commit the greatest late-season collapse in NHL history if they don't win one of their final two games and make the playoffs. Ottawa got out of the gate 15-2-0 and some of the cheerleaders in the press box started drawing comparisons with the legendary 1976-77 Canadiens.

There's a great exchange in The War of the Roses when Michael Douglas' character moves back into the house. Kathleen Turner berates him, "This is the stupidest thing you've ever done!" and he shoots back, "Second stupidest."

Ottawa GM-coach Bryan Murray has more than enough candidates to fill out the third, fourth and fifth spots.

The Senators play in Toronto tonight vs. the hated Leafs, who are long out of it. Toronto doesn't have Mats Sundin or Nik Antropov. Ottawa's looking at ignominy even if they lose this one and back into the playoffs, or get in by virtue of beating an also-ran team missing its two best forwards.

CRAZY SWEDES

When Peter Forsberg came out of hiatus to rejoin the Colorado Avalanche, there was a joke going around, "Well, guess he wants to make sure he's in good shape for the World Championships."

Forsberg came back around the same time that Mats Sundin refused to waive his no-trade clause so the Toronto Maple Leafs could trade him to a playoff club. The joke going around was that Sundin want to stay with the going-nowhere-fast Leafs so he could have his spring off to play in the World Championship. This would be the equivalent of a college basketball team turning down a NCAA Tournament bid in order to play in the NIT.

It was a natural. Sundin and Forsberg reunited, playing for Sweden in the Worlds in Quebec City, where they both played for the late and lamented Nordiques. Forsberg's team is in the playoffs. However, Sweden should be fine -- Sundin will be free, and if the Ottawa Senators complete their choke job, their captain, Daniel Alfredsson, will also be able to rock a Tre Kroner sweater come the end of April.

Vancouver's playoff hopes also took hit on Tuesday. Their captain, Markus Naslund? He's Swedish. You knew that already.

(For the record, I decided cheering for Sweden in hockey was more fun than cheering for Canada two years before Will Leitch's argument that it's American to root against the U.S. in the Olympics was published.)

CROSBY STILL TEETH-GNASHING

The love-hate relationship with Sidney Crosby continues. It's great to throw stones at Sid the Kid's iconography, but it's fun to shame all the bitter little people who hate on such a brilliant player.

It seems like Crosby is becoming that Derek Jeter or Peyton Manning kind of athlete. There must be constant reminders that He Works Harder At His Job Than You Do. Wait, you mean famous athletes have to work their bodies hard to stay at a level that 99% of the population would be physically unable to reach? That's a hot lead.

Crosby's sports drink commercials kind of sum up what can be so off-putting about him. It's gone from light and playful, the Kid joining in a neighbourhood game of road hockey ...



... to the sturm und drang of his latest commercial. It's Hockey Night in Nuremberg, for Pete's sake.



I couldn't find the latest one that's running in Canada, but it consists of Crosby on a stationary bike and the announcer telling you over and over again the Crosby works out. A lot. "Crosby... doesn't... stop." Of course he doesn't. For $8.7 million a year plus whatever he pulls down in endorsements and other fringe benefits, I wouldn't stop either.

It gets a little annoying right in the middle of partaking of that neglected fifth food group -- chips 'n' dip.

Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca