PLAYOFF BEARD, DAY 6... 7-ISH.... MEET THE SPARTANS

by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field

It's a little late to get into the games from last night, so let's cut to the chase. (Who are you, Joe Hollywood?)

It's unclear what the Ottawa Senators organization was thinking with this attempt at pre-game hype. Was it a spoof on the team, whose playoff performance, like Meet The Spartans, will at least have the benefit of at least being over quickly?



Look what those Canadians have disgraced the great sport of hockey. They can't leave well enough alone and just play the national anthems, introduce the lineups, drop the puck and get after it, like the Colorado Avalanche and Minnesota Wild.

Meantime, here's a quick need-to-know on where everyone stands on Tax Day:

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Dallas leads Anaheim 2-0: The Stars are halfway home entering tonight's Game 3 in Big D. You should be happy for them, since they're the one pro sports team whom megalomaniac owner Tom Hicks hasn't found a way to screw up yet.

Colorado leads Minnesota 2-1: We're not that far removed from the late '90s that it's already retro, is it? The Avs and Wild, with their ugly uniforms and "Ugly Betty hockey" (quote the Denver Post), are doing their level best to resurrect pre-lockout hockey. You put the game on, putter around the house, check some e-mails, pay some bills and then watch only the last five minutes of the third period and the overtime, since you know that's all you need to see. Every game of this series thus far has been 3-2 in OT; it gets a little predictable.

(Seriously, read the Post column. A guy in Denver calling Minnesota "the land of 10,000 dead car batteries?" Tomorrow, he's going to make fun of Minnesota for having a lot of white people.)

Calgary leads San Jose 2-1: The storyline has been set up -- the Sharks are garbage if they don't find a way to come back and win this series. Curtis Joseph, whose age is somewhere between 40 and that of a Titanic survivor, came off the bench in the last game to bail out the Flames. Calgary runs hot and cold, so they'll probably find a way to lose tonight's Game 4.

Detroit leads Nashville 2-1: It's really time to bury the cliche "they know they're in a playoff series" that gets trotted out any time a team loses Game 3 when it had a chance to stick the dagger and go up three games to none. The Red Wings probably knew they were in a series when they won the first two games. Nashville would seem to have a reasonable shot at extending Detroit at least to Game 6.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Washington and Philadelphia, tied 1-1: Alex Ovechkin sure is something. If you're not rooting for the Capitals in this one, you're either a Flyers fan, incarcerated or both.

Montreal leads Boston 2-1: Please let the Habs win tonight so Canadians, an insecure people, will be more secure in knowing that at least one team from the Great White North will live to see the second round of the playoffs. Boston does have that whole Everyman charm going for it -- goalie Tim Thomas does kind of look like Drew Carey and coach Claude Julien is a dead ringer from Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill -- but this has to end now.

New York leads New Jersey 2-1: Sean Avery, yeah, he's a bit of douche, but he's also brilliant, in a way. Now how come the NHL could act immediately to ban his shenanigans, which were cheeky and fun, yet abide Ottawa's shenanigans, which are cruel and tragic?

Pittsburgh leads Ottawa 3-zip: That bit a pre-game hoopla did put a charge into the Senators, for two periods at least. Tomorrow night at SBP (Sitting, Bored Patrons arena) will be an Irish wake with $9 drafts.

Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.