PLAYOFF BEARD: THE HOCKEY'S GUIDE TO HOCKEY HATRED, VOL. 2

by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field

There's more to hockey's lack of appeal in America than players with names that look like bad Scrabble racks, its disappearance from ESPN or the obvious fact that it's played on ice.

One self-inflicted shortcoming is that the only league that has a team called the Devils has always been too tight-assed to shake hands with the devil, so to speak. The Big Three ball-and-stick sports realize that having a few insufferable jerks in the game is good for business. Think about how many players and teams in baseball, NBA and NFL and college sports whom you have rooted against -- Roger Clemens, Dennis Rodman, the Red Sox, the Patriots -- since you just plain didn't like the attitude they projected.

The blockheads who run the NHL have never tapped into this; they'd rather come on all earnest and tell you about what a fast game hockey is (yeah? So's jai alai) and take another stab at explaining offsides and icing. Meantime, the playoffs are starting and much of America is in the dark about who the jerks are, which is why this article is being written. If you read last year's inaugural version, you know that the basic criteria for The Hoser's Guide To Hockey Hatred is to rank how uncomfortable, on a 1-10 scale, you'd be with a certain team winning the Stanley Cup in about two months.

Starting in the Eastern Conference (last year's ranking in brackets):

(5) RANGERS vs. (4) DEVILS
Rangers' degree of discomfort: 9 (8)
Nothing is ever in and of itself, right? The Rangers have a fine team that's just a bit insufferable, between Jaromir Jagr in the winter of his career and the latter-day Lenny Bruce, Sean Avery. The all-knowing Mirtle notes whoever wins this series will have a "big impact in the conference" since the top three seeds are each vulnerable.

However, how's this for bile-inducing? The Rangers, who were the poster children for bad contracts in pre-lockout hockey, were able to get back on course by plucking the likes of Chris Drury and Scott Gomez away from teams who couldn't afford them due to the salary cap. In other words, Commissioner Gary Bettman (based in New York), created an economic system that would allow a team based in the world's economic capital to compete, at last.

A Rangers run into the final would have all sorts of New Yorkers coming out of the woodwork to proclaim their undying love for a team that's seldom been relevant since Now I Can Die In Peace back in 1994. Picture Hillary Clinton will inevitably try to claim she's "always been a Rangers fan."

Devils' degree of discomfort: 9 (10.5)
The '07-08 Devils vaguely call to mind that Simpsons when Homer steers a nuclear sub into Russian waters, triggering the return of Cold War geopolitics. "Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up?" ... "That was what we wanted you to think!" The Devils don't play the same stifling defensive style that meant they couldn't sell out the arena even when they were winning three Stanley Cups in nine seasons, and their team outside of venerable goalie Martin Brodeur is largely nondescript. Nevertheless, this is still the franchise, run by Lou Lameriello, that dragged the game down into a Jersey swamp. The only upshot of a Devils run to the final would be to see all the white-bread Canadian hockey commentators squirm as they try not to say anything too derogatory about the neighbourhood around the Devils arena in Newark.

(6) PHILADELPHIA vs. (3) WASHINGTON
Flyers' degree of discomfort: 9 (missed playoffs last season)
Philly's always had that air about them that they're rather proud of their knuckle-dragging ways. Hey, that's what sells in the City of Brotherly Shove. The Flyers can always be counted on to aim for the lowest common denominator, which usually takes the form of the opposing team's star player's ankles. It's convenient, then, that they drew Washington, which has two playoff first-timers in Alex Ovechkin and Nicklas Backstrom.

Besides, doesn't everyone want to see Philadelphia's title drought continue?

Capitals' degree of discomfort: 3 (missed playoffs last season)
There's not much to hate on with Washington, who's been about the fifth-best team in the league since installing hockey lifer Bruce Boudreau -- he was an extra in Slap Shot! -- as coach early in the season. No one who has a pulse doesn't like Alex Ovechkin, who actually plays more of a classic Canadian game than that other young superstar in Pittsburgh. Washington's not much to worry about.

(7) OTTAWA vs. (2) PITTSBURGH
Senators' degree of discomfort: 1 (0.5)
It's not that the Rest of Canada doesn't want to see the Senators win a Stanley Cup, it's just that they don't care. The typical hoser and he/she would admit that he doesn't pay much attention to what goes on in the Canadian capital and that national politics in the States are much, much miore fun. That indifference extends to Ottawa's hockey team, even though its arena, set in a former cornfield in the insta-city of Kanata (which didn't even have a McDonald's until 1988), is about a 45-minute drive from Parliament Hill. Besides, Ottawa was supposed to have won the Stanley Cup four or five times by now -- just ask a Senators fan -- so if they want to actually do the deed, just do it already.

Penguins' degree of discomfort: 9 (6)
The Coming Crosby Backlash is pretty close to critical mass. People didn't get sick of Wayne Gretzky in the '80s until the Edmonton Oilers had won a couple Cups. Then again, that wasn't such a media-saturated era. The Great One wasn't as omnipresent when half of all households couldn't even get basic cable. Crosby is everywhere, and he Doesn't Stop and you will hear about this ad nauseam since the Pens, an otherwise fun team to watch between the Cole Harbour Comet and Evgeni Malkin, have a good shot at winning two playoff rounds.

(8) BOSTON vs. (1) MONTREAL
Bruins' degree of discomfort: 4 (missed playoffs last season) The B's first playoff visit since 2004 will likely be short -- they're 0-for-8 vs. Montreal this season. Boston eked out the eighth spot by trapping and riding a hot goalie, Tim Thomas, and that might be worth one win -- two, tops -- in a best-of-7 series.

Canadiens' degree of discomfort: 1 (missed playoffs last season)
The Habs are basically analogous to the 1996 Yankees. Remember how it just felt right to see a team in pinstripes whipping someone in the World Series? Remember how you actually got on the Yankees bandwagon? It's much the same with seeing Les Glorieux finish first in the East, even though the old Forum is now a movie theatre and none of the team's stars are pure laine Quebecois. It's been wonderful listening to the fans at the Bell Centre sing, "Na-na-na, hey-hey-hey, goodbye!" in the third period when the Habs have the game put away.

The Canadiens are the odds-on favourite to be the fourth Canadian team in as many seasons to go to the final and lose, so might as well enjoy it.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

(5) DALLAS vs. (4) ANAHEIM
Stars' degree of discomfort: 3 (3)
Come on, Brett Hull is the team's co-general manager, and everyone seems to think he's OK. The Dallas franchise has actually helped build up hockey at the grass-roots level in the great state of Texas. There's really not much to dislike about the Stars.

Ducks' degree of discomfort: 8 (3)
The best analog for the Ducks is the 2001 New England Patriots or 2004 Red Sox. Any charm that might have been projected on to them during their championship run evaporated 10 minutes after they hoisted the championship trophy. Chris Pronger is a great defenceman who basically plays like he's above the rules. Insufferable blowhard of a GM Bryan Burke -- imagine what Bobby Knight would have been like if he'd had a law degree to back up his self-serving arguments -- also performed a nifty dodge to get around the salary cap. Stars Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne both semi-retired over the summer and then returned in mid-season when they could be fit in under the cap. In other words, the Ducks bend the rules -- just like the Patriots.

(6) COLORADO vs. (3) MINNESOTA
Avalanche's degree of discomfort: 3 (NR)
The West is usually good for one matchup for which only TSN and people in hockey pools can conjure up an interest. Colorado-Minnesota, a matchup that is straight out of the National Lacrosse League, fits the bill.

Wild's degree of discomfort: 1 1/2 (1)
It's impossible to rag on a Minnesota team that's lost two of their top five defenceman, Nick Schultz and Kurtis Foster, to injuries.

(7) CALGARY vs. (2) SAN JOSE
Flames' degree of discomfort: 5 (3)
Calgary's team, the way it's set up, is kind of a joke on all the Molson's-swilling puckheads who believe Canadian grit will win over all. The Flames have a couple good ol' Canadian boys leading the way, forward Jarome Iginla and d-man Dion Phaneuf and goodness knows they get after it most nights. That won't be enough when you consider their spotty power play and penalty killing.

Sharks' degree of discomfort: 4 (4)
It's come to the point where the only visceral instinct is to hope that San Jose's star centre Joe Thornton gets it together and leads his team to a Stanley Cup, just to shut up all the preening hockey panels on all three Canadian sports networks. (Hey, they're just following the producers' instructions -- say it in 15 seconds, and say it loud.)

Those who like to see Buffalo fans twist in agony should root for a San Jose-New York final that would match defenceman Brian Campbell vs. centre Chris Drury, two players among the Western New York diaspora.

(8) NASHVILLE vs. DETROIT (1)
Predators' degree of discomfort: 7 (11)
Please keep in mind that nothing is ever in and of itself. The Preds have some nice pieces and coach Barry Trotz is universally respected. The franchise, though, could be playing in Canada today if Gary Bettman and the shadowy cabal that control the NHL hadn't put the screws to Canadian billionaire Jim Balsillie for the heinous crime of wanting to throw huge stacks of money at the league so he could move the team to Southern Ontario. It's far better to have teams with uninterested ownership playing in U.S. cities where they're second fiddle on college sports, eh? A pox on the Preds.

Red Wings' degree of discomfort: 6 (9)
It's been great fun to see the Red Wings flop in the post-season every spring -- they haven't been back to the final since their last Cup in 2002. Give a good team enough changes and eventually they will win, so the law of averages would suggest that the Red Wings, with Henrik Zetterberg perhaps copping Conn Smythe Trophy honours as the playoff MVP, will win it all. The haters have had their fun seeing Detroit get swept by Anaheim (2003), bounced by Calgary (2004), outskated by Edmonton (2006) and cough up the conference final against the Ducks (2007). It probably ends this season.

The Stanley Cup will be going north. Detroit and San Jose are both north of Anaheim.

For anyone who cares to know who's actually going to win, it says here that Montreal, Pittsburgh, the Rangers and Philadelphia will advance in the East; Detroit, San Jose, Anaheim and Colorado move on in the West.

Send your thoughts to neatesager@yahoo.ca.