THE PROPHET ON TOUGHNESS...PT. 1

by The Prophet, ProphetFighting

The twisted genius that runs the Epic Carnival is a very secretive and private individual. That's why you'll never hear me use his full name, only an alias. So the boss of the EC empire--let's call him "Doug"--asks me if I want to opine on who is the true "baddest man on the planet". This is right up my alley, of course, so I agreed to do it and put it on my list of tasks right beneath my weekly "strip club ministry". BTW, as we discussed last week I am now the Undisputed Triple Crown Champion of Fight Sport Journalism (TM). I want to thank our fearless leader for the beautiful "UTCCFSJ" Championship Belts that arrived by FedEx this past Friday along with a lovely arrangement of daffodils and a really sweet card that played "One Moment in Time" when opened. He obviously spared no expense at having three belts crafted that are exact replicas of the belts that make up the All Japan Pro Wrestling Triple Crown. Here's a picture of the belts...

SI'S TOUGHEST ATHLETES AND HISTORICAL BAD-ASSERY

My first thought was that this is a pretty simple exercise--I have a hard time making a case that anyone other than Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill is the baddest SOB to ever walk the face of the earth. In addition to that whole winning WW II thing he had time to bag a Nobel Prize in Literature. He was also a lover of cigars, scotch and witty one liners like this one:

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

Churchill would have been one of the more exceptional men in history had it not been for WWII. That's when we discovered how tough he was. I've quoted his famous speech to the House of Commons before but in this era where great oratory has given way to "talking points" and meaningless prattle it bears repeating:

We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

Surprisingly, the assembled Lords were able to hear Churchill's words over the sound of his balls clanking together. These words weren't idle chatter--it was a rhetorical middle finger extended to the Nazi's that the British Empire could give a flying f*ck if they Germans *did* have the greatest military ever assembled by man. Churchill was saying "if you want England, come and get it motherf*cker".

Seriously, there are guys in sports that I think are bad dudes but no one in history has ever faced this kind of challenge with the wit, courage, and balls that Churchill did.

I thought my work was done but then the EC boss told me my baddest dudes had to be living. I crumbled up my legal pad in disgust and cursed the name of the man I'll call "Doug". Then I remembered the beautiful belts, lovely flowers and touching card he'd sent and felt bad about my outburst.

A lot of talk about who the tough guys in sports are has been motivated by a recent Sports Illustrated article listing their "Top 25 Toughest Athletes". When I heard that Tiger Woods was #1 and that somehow Josh Beckett had made the list I didn't bother reading it. Beckett is a solid enough pitcher, but no baseball player belongs on the list.

As for Tiger, I'm a huge Tiger mark. He's easily the most dedicated, focused and driven athlete I've seen in my life and that includes that #23/#45 guy that used to play shooting guard for the Bulls. For my money, he's the best golfer ever to pick up a club--and that's with a ton of due respect for legends like Ben Hogan, Arnie and "The Golden Bear". He's got a gorgeous wife, a 9 or 10 figure ATM balance and not a worry in the world but he shows up every week and plays like his life and the life of his family depends on it. I can't say a bad thing about Tiger, but "toughest athlete"? Surely you jest. I'm reminded of a great Larry Merchant quote--after George Foreman's improbable win over Michael Moorer to regain the heavyweight title some sports journalist type asked Merchant which was more impressive--Nicklaus winning the Masters at 46 or Foreman regaining the title at 45? To this Merchant responds "No one was hitting Jack Nicklaus".

This was something of a "hell freezes over" moment for me, but the most profound thing I've read about the SI article came from an Internet posting forum. Unlike this website--which I can attest is one of the highest rated among Mensa members nationwide--Internet posting forums are typically parched intellectual deserts bereft of insight and wisdom. I Googled a few terms trying to find reaction to the SI list and came up with a posting forum dedicated to some pro football team in flyover country. Imagine my surprise when I discovered several profound observations. Here's the first:

Excelling at any event that puts you at actual physical risk, I think, deserves a little more leverage when it comes to measuring toughness. That's why most people dont ride bulls, or free climb, or engage in MMA, or even try out (or quit right after the 1st tryout) for their High School football team. It is actually dangerous. It hurts.Golf isn't. Golf doesn't.

That's essentially my point, as well as Larry Merchant's, but this actually defines my definition of "toughness" better. Golf doesn't hurt. Baseball doesn't hurt. You can get injured, or have a freak accident that hurts but day-in, day-out the sport doesn't hurt. So immediately I have to eliminate a number of sports.

Still, the most profound observation re: the SI list was offered by a poster with the nom de plume "ColtQC2". The SI list is a sham:

This isn't an article about toughness, it's a cheap trick article where you throw a bunch of unrelated things together to get people riled up and then let them argue.

If the writer really did pick out what he thought were the 25 toughest athletes, no one would read it.

Surprised he didn't add an animal - maybe one of the sled dogs, or Charismatic, etc.

I think those "athletes" who run down the streets in front of those bulls are pretty tough. If you find one them who is sober he would get my #1 vote

The extended discussion on this completely unrelated forum is one of the more insightful I've read on the topic, so you're encouraged to read more:

Thread on SI's 25 Toughest Athletes at some discussion board about some flyover country NFL team

THE BIGGEST BADASSES IN THE WORLD--A PRELUDE

First, lets define our terms: I was asked to give my thoughts on who was "the baddest dude walking the face of the earth". So let's first address this literally --my criteria for this is pretty simple: If, for whatever reason, I had to walk down Florence Avenue in scenic Compton, California in blackface and wearing a cocktail dress made of red and blue bandannas with $100 bills pinned all over it who would I want to go with me? This sort of bad-assery is more an ability to command fear and respect than anything else. Top of my head answer? Kimbo Slice--a tough dude who looks pretty damn scary.

For the purpose of this discussion, however, I'm going to stick to the toughest dudes in sports. So lets establish the criteria--we'll start with the flyover country football fan's stipulation that if you're playing a sport where "hurt" isn't part of the day to day routine you've got a huge burden of proof to demonstrate your toughness. For example, though cycling doesn't qualify as a "hurt" sport I'd put Lance Armstrong on a list. I don't care what sport you play, staring down cancer when you're given a coin's flip chance of living, losing one of your balls as well as enduring brain surgery and chemo, making a comeback, dominating your sports biggest event for years, pissing off the entire European continent, raising a ton of money for cancer research and sexing up hotties like Cheryl Crow and fashion designer Tory Burch makes you a major league badass. In other words, just because you're in a sport that doesn't involve day to day pain doesn't mean you can't make the list--it does mean that you've got an uphill climb (no pun in reference to Armstrong's dominance in the mountain stages of the Tour de France intended).

I'll throw in a second criteria: I call it the "bad day at work" standard. Here's how it works--let's say you or the subject in question had the worst day at work ever. What's the worst thing that could come of it? For most normal people, they'd lose a deal, the boss would yell at them, or at the absolute worst they'd get fired. For most EC readers, the Slurpee machine would frost up, you'd run out of Big Gulp cups and the boss would discover that your most recent urine test was negative for drugs, but positive for Frontline Flea Medication and Alpo. At the absolute worst, the owner of that goat you "had a date with" last Saturday will find you.

Now, lets move into the realm of athletics: we'll start with Tiger Woods--if he has a *really* bad day at work he doesn't make the cut, he has to take his LearJet home to his $65 million house and relax in the hot tub with his Swedish model wife. Josh Beckett might get lit up for a bunch of runs, the Red Sox lose, some pissed off chowd throws a beer on him, he has to deny reports that he's been dating Alyssa Milano or a random supermodel and discovers that the Store24 near Fenway is out of Skoal.

At the other extreme, there's race car drivers, bullriders, big wave surfers and professional fighters. If Tony Stewart or Laird Hamilton has a *really* bad day at work, they leave the track or the ocean in a bodybag.

In other words, you get extra credit for playing a sport where the "worst case scenario" involves six of your best friends carrying you by the handles.

So that's the criteria--and tomorrow during my weekly "Tuesday Tapout" I'll give you my list. These won't be in any particular order nor will it be exhaustive--I'll just come up with a list of dudes that belong on any "toughest athlete" list. Tune in tomorrow, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel...