THE 'ROID REPORT FOR THE WEEK OF APRIL 6

by Gary Gaffney, MD, Steroid Nation

Imagine the surprise when, as you explore your new house, you jab yourself in the hand with a syringe hidden away in a mysterious hidden box. You suddenly feel your muscles growing larger than Hulk Hogan in a flex-pose. However, your face pops out with huge zits, your breasts grow larger than Paris Hilton's new bosoms, and your family jewels suddenly shrink to the size of sesame seeds. Yes, the house you bought belonged to a WWE pro-wrestler; you just accidentally discovered a left-over cache of growth-enhancing hormones and other novelty items.

Although not that dramatic, last week started out when a Georgia homeowner made the startling discovery of anabolic steroids, HGH, syringes, and needles in a rural George home, once owned by WWE wrestler Mike Knox. The surprised Locust Grove/Atlanta area resident announced later in the week he was going to try out for the Falcons as a lineman. Or maybe the New Orleans Saints, who signed former Cowboy/Falcons lineman Matt Lehr, unless Lehr is on trial for steroid distribution as suggested by a Dallas-area gym-owner.

Dateline: Juiced-lanta. A top Braves minor league prospect -- Jordan Schafer -- will sit down for 50 games after admitting to HGH use. A minor league prospect sits, while every MItchell Report juicer will pay on, we mean 'play on'...even Jose Guillen. Guillen, a Mitchell Report juicer, signed with the Kansas City Royals for 36 million over 3 years. The Royals expressed concern Guillen would serve a 15 day suspension for juicing. The team should be so lucky. Guillen gets about 2 million per hit, as the 'slugger' hits for a .122 average and a .163 slugging average over 12 games now. Maybe Guillen is a 'slow starter'; he needs to 'inject' some growth to earn his salary.

Too bad Guillen doesn't use a great agent like Scott Boras. Boras represents the Cardinal's Troy Glaus who received his gear from California steroid-doctor Ramon Scruggs. An indictment in the golden state says the good doctor supplied the juice to players like Glaus, many of whom may have acted on their agent's advice. Pumps up those billable hours.

Greg LeMond will no longer be billing anything to Trek Bicycles. The Wisconsin firm fired the Minnesota cycling legend's bike line because LeMond's outspoken criticism of dopers (read 'Lance Armstrong') offends the sensibility of Trek bike purchasers (read 'Lance Armstrong'). By the way, a famous cyclist endorses Trek bikes (read 'Lance Armstrong').

At least famous cyclists (read 'Lance Armstrong') generally didn't fire up as much as NASCAR driver Aaron Fike; Fike said he shot up heroin before NASCAR races. Heroin...Rubbin' is racing. Other NASCAR drivers expressed their subtle scientific opinions that it's batshit nuts to be on the same track with a 200 mph opioid user.

Even though he didn't win the Masters, Tiger Woods looked marvelous. Of course, some wag suggested Woods might be 'roided-up to fill out those golf-sweaters. Guess the dose was 3 strokes too light.

The week ended as a startling new track and field scandal burst out of the blocks. BALCO-related steroid distributor Angel Heredia from Mexico -- by way of Texas A and M -- apparently turned for the Feds about 3 years ago. Heredia will be a key witness when legendary track coach Trevor Graham goes up for a California trial on charges of lying to investigators. IRS super-agent and BALCO stud Jeff Novitzky will be on the team as Heredia reportedly will name 12 big name track stars accounting for 29 Olympic medals, and 21 world championships, as juicers. Heredia appears associated with BALCO-steroids coach Trevor Graham (coached Marion Jones, Tim Montgomery, CJ Hunter, Justin Gatlin and a dozen more proven/admitted juicers).

To keep we news-dogs salivating, Heredia rang up this bell -- he supplied legendary Kansas sprinter Maurice Greene with steroids, insulin, and growth hormones (and here). Greene, a world champion, Olympic gold medal winner, and an ex-world record holder denied all charges using an old speech Marion Jones speech.

Remember your morning juice, folks, and see you again next week.