Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: THIS IS HOW I CHILL, MA'AM

THIS IS HOW I CHILL, MA'AM

by Thermocaster, The Meaningful Collateral

Hat tip to Busted Coverage for finding the follow-up to our story from earlier in the week.

You recall the story of a Mr. Stanley Pringle, a varsity basketball player for Penn State University who was caught while allegedly masturbating in the library. Well, the Daily Collegian caught up to Mr. Pringle late yesterday, and he had an interesting take on the situation.

According to Pringle:

Pringle told police he has "a bad habit of putting his hand down his pants," and demonstrated for the officer by placing his hand down the front of his sweatpants, according to the complaint.

"Why would I need to masturbate?" he told police. "This is how I chill, ma'am."

Well then. I guess if that's the way you chill, then more power to you...except that the account from the woman who witnessed this seems to paint a slightly different picture:

According to the criminal complaint, a woman said Pringle sat down on top of a desk behind her and asked if she wanted to purchase some hand lotion he was selling for the basketball team.

The woman told police that after 15 minutes of conversation with Pringle, she heard the sound of adjusting clothing followed by a "smacking sound, like Pringle's hand was smacking against the skin of his body."

The victim said she did not turn around because she was afraid, adding that she believed this to be the sound of masturbation and could see a reflection of Pringle's hand moving back and forth, according to the criminal complaint.

The woman told police that Pringle then answered his ringing cell phone and proceeded to make "moaning sounds" and "sounded like he was short of breath."

Alright, wait. First of all, have you ever heard of a basketball team raising funds by selling hand lotion, of all things? That may be the most damning part of this whole thing, particularly when you consider what followed.

The victim told police that after walking through the bookshelves while answering her phone, she saw Pringle rubbing his hands together, "as if he had just put lotion on them," and when she returned to her seat, she said she saw Pringle tying the drawstring on his sweatpants.

Does that qualify as a product demonstration?

I can't wait to see where this story takes us next.

4 comment(s):

The Prophet said...

....and what's up with the name "Stanley Pringle" anyway? It sounds like a name that they'd have given an eccentric British wanker art collector who unwittingly becomes the pawn of "The Penguin" on the old "Batman" TV series...

The Prophet said...

"This is how I chill, ma'am" is the "Don't taze me bro" of 2008....and what kind of degenerate masturbates in the library anyway. What does he think all of those private "study rooms" are for?

The Prophet said...

According to the criminal complaint, a woman said Pringle sat down on top of a desk behind her and asked if she wanted to purchase some hand lotion he was selling for the basketball team.

OK, Doug, you made that part up didn't you? "I'm Stanley Pringle and I'm here to sell you some hand lotion?"

Chas Diamond said...

Masturbation is a human right!

Maybe Pringle is the guy we need to cheerlead for International Masturbation Month - which May happens to be.


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