TOP 10 SUGGESTIONS FOR THE NEW OKLAHOMA CITY SONICS FANS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Tonight in Seattle, the Sonics played what might have been the last game in their 41-year history, overcoming a late deficit to beat Dallas for their 19th win against 62 losses. On the very real chance that the team has played their last game ever in the Pacific Northwest, here's 10 suggestions for their vibrant and exciting future in America's heartland.

10. Don't win or contend for a championship. Clearly, it didn't do enough for Seattle, who won in the late '70s and had one of the better teams that lost to the Jordan Bulls. That kind of competence just increases the expectations for ownership.

9. Whore yourselves out for a new crib every 10 to 15 years. So what if the local economy might be failing, businesses aren't interested in ponying up for luxury boxes, the product on the court is terrible and the decision to continually upgrade facilities is prima facie absurd? Without a Major League franchise in the Big 3 Sports, your community will be deigned (horrors!) Minor League. You know, like how Jacksonville and Green Bay are more important than Los Angeles and the 5 Boroughs of New York City. (And no, New Jersey is not a borough.)

8. Go to every game, but don't get too attached. After all, Europe has no teams yet, and neither does Vegas. Also, it's not like your town is a gateway to the Pacific Rim, with all of those talented tall Chinese players and strong investment capital. Boy, it's a shame that the NBA doesn't have a team in Seattle, don't you think?

7. Make Clay Bennett feel very, very welcome. He's the man that brought you stolen basketball, Kevin Durant, and the lasting hatred of any number of passing-through NBA players, who are just thrilled as pie to give up time in a beautiful city for your podunk town. It's all good. Besides, you people like gunplay, don't you?

6. Personalize those new jerseys. Let's face it, any free agent that's worth anything is going to want to go ply their trade for an owner that doesn't throw his fans under the bus, and a team that doesn't play in a one-team town without world-class trim or nightlife. So don't get your hopes up with jersey purchases that will always be obsolete in 1 to 3 years. Put your own name on the back and save time and anguish!

5. Study up on how being the middle city in a 3-city or more franchise feels. Track down some Kansas City A's fans, or Milwaukee Brave boosters, or anyone who has ever rooted for a Larry Brown coached team. It will help prepare you for that next stage of fandom!

4. Suck up to David Stern. He's stuck his neck out for you, and as there are increasing signs that he's losing his faculties along with his PR skills, you really don't want to get in on his bad side. Why, look what he's done to the people who used to root for the Sonics!

3. Strengthen those rationalization muscles. Why limit yourself to rooting for some other city's franchise, when there is a whole wide world of stuff to horn in on? Maybe it's time to sleep with your neighbor's wife, knock over a liquor store, or defraud an orphanage. Just remember these magic words: "If we didn't do it, someone else would have!"

2. Accept losing. Up to 41 times a year, you'll get to see a professional basketball team from the world's best hoops league in your little town. Plus, whatever the home team trots out there. It's just like being a Knicks fan!

1. Kill yourselves. You do realize you live in Oklahoma, you've just been given someone else's franchise, and you're going to be played like a fat girl who puts out in 5 to 10 years, right? Take the McVeigh Way out, Okies. (And while you are exiting stage right, any chance of one of who more heavily armed types taking out Bennett or Stern with you?)