DEAR MAJOR LEAGUE GMS

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Dear MLB GMs,

Alright guys, this is getting old, we're over a month into the season and I still haven't gotten a single phone call. I called up Cingular just to make sure my phone was still in service and it is, so its not there fault. The only one calling me is that little kid, see little kids love Barry Bonds, so why don't you. Do you all not like children?

I mean, Seattle you realize that Jose Vidro and Richie Sexson suck right? You know that your team is playing like complete crap? Did you see how big of a scumbag Sexson was last night or were you not paying attention because he is so bad that you need to leave the room when he gets up to the plate.

Hey Yankees you know who can play first base? Me. I turned on the tv yesterday and saw you batting Shelley Duncan in the 4 hole. Are you serious? I wouldn't let Shelley Duncan wipe my ass. He sucks so hard I wouldn't want him to contiminate my beautiful swing. And let's be honest, there is no possible way I would suck at playing first base more than admitted steroid user Jason Giambi. Plus I won't hit under .200. You want to win the division or no?

Cleveland, you realize Hafner is washed up right? And your playing some guy named Ben Francisco? Half your team is hitting under .220, it's time to put some force back into your lineup.

Oakland you seriously decided to sign Frank Thomas instead of me? He's fat old and completely washed up. I live in the Bay area, don't you want to steal some thunder away from your local competition. Don't you actually want to put seats in the crowd? It certainly doesn't appear like you do.

Seriously, what the fuck. You all need me you know it I know it America knows it. I'm not that big of a dirt bag. I took steroids because my trainer didn't tell me what he was giving to me. And who the fuck cares about that anyway, half god damn league took steroids and you guys have no problem signing them even if they suck. Giambi is shit. Mota is shit. Cameron is pill popper. Sheff is hitting about .122. Fuck someone call me or I'm just going to show up in your god damn offices and start smashing shit.

You're All Pissing Me the Fuck Off,
Barry Bonds