PLAYOFF BEARD: OUTDATED, INCORPORATED

by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field

There's probably a whack-load in research grants available to some academics who want to figure out what makes Canadian hockey writers (yes, it's capitalized) particularly prone to betraying a general point of view straight out of some other decade.

What is it, lads? This needs to get sorted out before Monday night, when the Detroit Red Wings should wrap up a five-game Stanley Cup final win over the Pittsburgh Penguins. Is it the ill-fitting suits? Is it some sort of psychological reaction to having carry on with the charade that you're buddies with all these millionaire jocks who, chances are, might not even remember your name even though you've been around them since October?

Cases in point: Vancouver Canucks defenceman Luc Bourdon, 21 years old, was killed in a motorcycle crash two days ago in his native New Brunswick -- a tragic loss of a young life. The circumstances of Bourdon's death weren't even fully known before CBC Sports' Scott Morrison got on his effin' high horse to write a preachy column about Bourdon's "bad decision." Scott Morrison acting like some 1950s Republican -- knowing what's best for everyone -- was more important than considering the impact of the loss of a promising young person, one of only two NHLers from his home province, which is still reeling with a bus crash that took the lives of seven high school basketball players.

It has come to light that Bourdon had only had a motorcycle licence for two weeks, but consider how the news coverage is handled when there's a road death involving teenagers with relatively little driving experience. Does everyone blame the victims then? No. Why is it different when it involves a NHL player who's living out some sportswriter's failed childhood dream?

Granted, showing some human compassion in that instance would have left the writer wide open to accusations of acting like a "Nancy Boy." You'll recall that The Canadian Press writer Pierre LeBrun's homophobic epithet of choice for Bobby Nadeau after the 20-year-old goaltender refused to fight when he was assaulted by Jonathan Roy, son of Hall of Fame hothead Patrick Roy, during a Quebec junior league game a couple months ago.

Enough about that...

It's Game 4 tonight and no doubt someone has theorized that the veteran Red Wings should benefit more from having had two days off than the young Penguins, which is a load of poppycock. Both teams already played an 82-game season followed by three playoff series.

Detroit had an off-night in Pittsburgh's 3-2 win on Wednesday. Anaheim had a hiccup in Game 3 last spring, losing the first game on the road to Ottawa, and it bounced back to win the next two with authority and raise Lord Stanley's chalice, so feel free to extrapolate from that and expect the Red Wings to win tonight, then take a victory lap on Monday night on NBC. Pittsburgh still hasn't healed up enough of its sores -- bad penalties, bungled clearing attempts -- to inspire confidence that it can level the series at 2-2 tonight.

If you're tuning in tonight (and judging by the ratings, you aren't -- but there's no NBA, so why not?), the first 10 minutes should tell the story. Detroit going up 1-0 would signal that it's got the Penguins' nuts in a vice; a 2-0 lead would mean it's over.

The Red Wings winning would be great. Goodness knows Michiganders could use something positive, what with the economy, Mayor Kwame, the Pistons losing out to Boston, the Tigers sucking and Matt Millen still being in charge of the Lions. As a Canadian whose desire to be 'That Guy' when it comes to international sports often means rooting for Sweden in international hockey or soccer, the prospect of Nicklas Lidström being the first European to captain a Cup winner is awesome.

As noted, this will shut up all the cracker-ass crackers from Buena Vista to Vancouver Island who are convinced the post-season failings of the Maple Leafs, Senators, Canucks and Montreal Canadiens can all be attributed to the nationality of the man wearing the C. It would be great if Hockey Night in Canada's Ron MacLean grows a pair and asks Don Cherry how he feels about that little piece of history. Odds are, Cherry will be magnaminous about it -- Grapes has other ways of pulling surprises beyond his sartorial stylings.

(Another Wing, Dan Cleary, is set to become the first Newfoundlander to get his name on the Cup, which further proves that all Canadians know each other. Cleary is from the same town, Carbonear, N.L., as one of my best friends, Neil Acharya. Each was born in 1978, too.)

Last, but not least, you probably noticed that ESPN's Barry Melrose is lined up to coach the Tampa Bay Lightning -- who've kind of picked up the mantle of mediocrity that their city's baseball brethren left behind. It's fun to believe this is some of sort of Manchurian Candidate-style plot intended to undermine the Tampa franchise so horribly that it will have to move to Hamilton or Winnipeg in the next 10 years.

Also, lightning-witted Tampa coach John Tortorella coaching in the Canadian media capital of Toronto is almost too good to be true. Tortorella's never more entertaining than when his team is playing poorly, and well, you know all about the Leafs' capabilities.