THE 'ROID REPORT FOR THE WEEK OF MAY 4

by Gary Gaffney, MD, Steroid Nation

So apparently chicks dig guys on 'roids? Despite the testicular shrinkage?

The Rocket -- Roger Clemens -- appears to be engaged in frequent blast offs with a variety of women much to the delight of the federal agents, and Brian McNamee's attorneys. Both the Feds and the private-eyes continue to investigate Clemens for various reasons. The Feds are interested in possible perjury during Clemens's congressional testimony; Clemens's harems dishes up more potential witnesses with 'intimate knowledge' of the Rocket's private workings. McNamee's lawyers will be looking for evidence to discredit the Rocket's defamation suit against his ex-trainer.

What constitutes worse cheating - HGH use, or a tryst with John Daly's ex-wife?

Speaking of females and studs, a stud and a female made the news last weekend at Churchill Downs when stud Big Brown finished first ahead of the second place filly Eight Belles. Unfortunately controversy will continue long after the horses crossed the finish line. Big Brown's trainer is an advocate of illicit drugs, some like bute and clenbuteral in his horses. Meanwhile the filly was euthanized on the track as she agonized in pain following bilateral ankle fractures. As the filly's trainer waits for the postmortem toxicology analysis of his horse, other voices around the country are bemoaning the doping of race horses with drugs like anabolic steroids. They see the illegal drugs as one factor in the premature track deaths of dozens of horses during and after races.

NFL players closely watch a developing scandal in Dallas as the purveyor of PEDs to at least one ex-Cowboy lineman -- Matt Lehr -- received a suspended sentence. Steroid distributor Dave Jacobs claims intimate knowledge of NFL dopes and doping, including teaching players how to evade the dope tests. Will this information ever come out? Not if the NFL Player's Association manages the deal; Mike Ditka and a doctor friend say the NFLPA cannot even take care of disabled NFL veterans. Wait until the current crop of juiced pro football players retires; doctors already speculate the injury rate is growing among current juiced players faster then their bench press numbers rise.

Turning to baseball, San Francisco Giants catcher Eliezer Alfonso will be serving a 50 game suspension for PED use; one source claims Winstrol was the culprit. Two other former MLB players showed paradoxical career trajectories: Lenny Dykstra and Jose Canseco. Dykstra, know for steroid use gambling and fighting, now specializes in giving advice on juicy investment gambles. Canseco should have listened to Dykstra: the ex-MLB slugger let his California house go into bank repossession. We suggest that Caneseco's next book be called "Foreclosure".

Before we leave baseball we note that the mayor of Floral Park New York says Babe Ruth would have injected steroids, if they were available. In fact anabolic steroids were initially rolling out of the laboratory about the time the Babe wound the baseball career down. We projected the Babe would have stayed ahead of Busted Barry Bonds with a short course of nandrolone, followed by HGH (oops not yet synthesized in the 1930s).

In other sports, Steroid Nation notes Bulgaria's female tennis pro Sesil Karatantcheva -- the tattooed and juiced phenom -- returned to action this season following a steroid suspension. However, American sprinter Tim Montgomery probably won't be returning to action, or the streets, soon. In the past Montgomery found himself intertwined with BALCO steroids; he now faces sticky federal charges of heroin distribution. The former 100M world record holder, and ex-husband of disgraced sprinter Marion Jones, was denied bail in Virginia where he awaits disposition of his case.

We end this report as we started - chick and 'roids. German hockey player Florian Busch claims he engaged in an 'intimate moment' with his girlfriend when doping agents came looking for a urine donation. Busch completed his work at home, then later produced copious amounts of clean urine. Talk about icing -- the dope testers show up during some romance.

That's all for this week's roid report. We advise avoiding a harem of women that might present complications later, paying one's mortgage on time, and checking both sides of the street for dope testers before getting busy with the girlfriend.