RUSSIA DEFEATS CANADA IN HOCKEY: IS IT CUTHBERT'S FAULT?

by Mike Jack, Staff Writer

Team Canada is always the favourite to win any international hockey tournament.
It’s always a shock when they lose.
On Sunday, however, Ilya Kovalchuk’s overtime goal defeated Team Canada 5-4 in the 2008 IIHF World Men’s Championship Final.

Is this merely one phase of an elaborate Russian take over in hockey? Are hockey’s greatest players now Russian? Is the new Russian Super League going to become the new NHL? Is Elisha Cuthbert a Canadian working for the Russian government in an attempt to destroy Canadian hockey from within? Is Canada doomed?

This season Alexander Ovechkin became the first Russian born player to ever win the NHL scoring title (112 pts). Another Russian, Evgeni Malkin, was second in league scoring with (106 pts). Ovechkin not only won the Art Ross Trophy as the NHL’s top point scorer, he also won the Maurice Richard Trophy as the NHL’s top goal scorer and is nominated for the Hart Trophy as the NHL’s Most Valuable Player along with Malkin. Not only did two Russian’s dominate the forward ranks this NHL season, goaltender, Evgeni Nabokov is also nominated for the Vezina Trophy as the NHL’s Best Goalie. I’m betting Canadian, Martin Brodeur snags the prize from Nabokov, but who knows what debaucheries the Russian’s may uncoil to defeat Canada once again.

Speaking of NHL Trophy Nominees and Russian debauchery, why wasn’t Norris Trophy nominated defenseman, Dion Phaneuf, playing for Team Canada in the IIHF World Men’s Championship? Phaneuf could have been a part of Canada’s team since the Flames were eliminated by the Sharks on April 22 and the tournament began on May 2. Instead of honouring an opportunity to represent his country, Phaneuf was seduced away to Hawaii by Canadian temptress, Elisha Cuthbert. Are the Russian’s paying Cuthbert to tear Canadian hockey players away from Canada?

Cuthbert also has a history with NHLer Sean Avery. Sean Avery, a native of Pickering, Ontario, has said that he’ll never play for a Canadian Team, because he didn’t like the response the Canadian media gave after he made racial slurs to Georges Laraque, who is black. A month before that incident, Avery was given a warning by the NHL after they saw an interview where Avery said French-Canadian, Denis Gauthier, was “typical of most French guys in our league with a visor on” and that French-Canadians "don't back anything up." I wouldn’t be surprised if Cuthbert brainwashed Avery to hate Canada so much that the unrestricted free agent signs with the Russian Super League next season.

The Russian Super League’s Vityaz Chekhov has already signed Canadian tough guy, Chris Simon, this week. In 15 NHL seasons, Simon had 1824 penalty minutes and holds the NHL Record for longest suspension (30 games for stomping on a leg) and is also tied for second longest suspension (25 games for slashing to the face). Perhaps Simon left the NHL because he felt he had accomplished all he could in the NHL and wants to now pursue suspension records in a new league.