SEAL THE DEAL! KEEP THE EVIL OUT!

by Sterling Gould, Staff Writer

Game 6. Tonight. In the PAH-PAH-PAH-PALACE (or however that wanna-be And 1 Basketball tour announcer dude says it). Last night, the Lakers ended David Stern's wet dream of another San Antonio/Detroit NBA Finals match up. Much thanks to Kobe's 39 points and Pau Gasol's 12 and 19 night. San Antonio fans, otherwise known as "Al Qaeda Supporters" amongst myself and an esteemed group of NBA followers, will have to wait another time for an attempt at a "repeat" in order to cement their so-called "dynasty". I won't be subjected to Tim Duncan's boring ass 8 foot jumper off of the glass, Manu's Italian Soccer-esque like mid-court flops, Tony Parker's pick and roll layups to the dish (granted, he does have a sick spin move), and Gregg Popovich's always contorting face (the scar tissue is alive!). And does anyone else agree that Bruce Bowen is one of the contributors to the ever-rising epidemic of "Bro Rape"?

Stern's Soldier's have been put to rest. All this crap about "fundamental basketball" and "group of professionals" is being put away, and is instead being replaced by a veteran superstar, his new gigantic counterpart, and a cast of scrappy, young players. Now, we can witness Boston give the basketball nation... nay, the basketball world into orgasm by shutting down the Pistons tonight. For a team I used to like (not like, followed them as a fan, but admitted I had no harsh feelings against them), the Pistons have become pretty boring and predictable. Right down to the very offense they run, which seems to require Rip Hamilton rolling off of some screen for a 15-18 foot jumper... incessantly. Chauncy Billups' has been more like Chauncy Fucksups, begging the question should I even call him "The Horse" anymore (just see how he looks in this lighting). Tayshaun Prince is quiet and is waiting for the mothership to return him to his home planet any day now (his parents watch him from their home on Saturn, thanks to ESPN's space broadcasts), Antonio Mcdyess is a whiny bitch, and 'Sheed just isn't funny anymore. Oh, and Flip Saunder's has some nice fucking ties. What's this all about really? Just kind of a reminder for all of us out there that enjoy the playoffs:

KEEP BORING SHIT OUT OF THE FINALS.

I want pizazz and sparks for my climax. Not that feeling of dissatisfaction and loneliness, which seems to follow after every sexual encounter for me nowadays. Stern, don't have any of your officiating flunkies give the Pistons the game tonight because of questionable calls Wednesday night. For once, be consistent with giving one team the screw job and the other the glory. BUT FOR THE COOL TEAM.