TOP 10 CHILDHOOD SPORTS HATREDS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Hi, my name's DMtShooter, and I hate.

Every longtime sports fan has childhood villains, and these are mine. For the most part, they also existed in a time before fantasy sports, so the hate was even more pure. Add your own in the comments.

10. Reijo Ruotsalainen. A magical elf of an NHL defensemen who would, with maddening regularity, show up in the playoffs just in time to utterly destroy my Philadelphia Flyers. Later on in life, I stopped watching hockey entirely, but in the early '80s, "Rexy" would do everything short of nailing the triple Lutz as heavy-legged thuggish Flyers defensemen would fail utterly to stop him in any way. (Then, of course, he'd do little in the rest of the playoffs, because he was our own special, personal nightmare.) Later on, he won the Cup twice with Edmonton, the first time beating... the Flyers. Yes, he was that deadly.

9. Von Hayes. Philadelphia fans get a deserved rap for only liking players who look like they are killing themselves with effort. What isn't really specified is why we're this way. Part of it is never being able to accept Mike Schmidt for what he was. The other part is Von Hayes.

Famous for being dealt to the Phils from Cleveland for five players (one of which turned out to be, gulp, Julio Franco), Von toiled for 9 long years in Philadelphia, in which he provided sabermetrically pleasant but utterly meaningless numbers as the low-impact cornerpiece of a Phillies team that never went to the playoffs with him around. Hayes was a patient 5-tool left-handed hitter who could do anything on the field... and never, ever did enough.

Plus, and here's the kicker: After Hayes finally had his breakout year, I drafted him way too high in one of my first fantasy leagues... only to watch him suck. So he killed my real team, my fantasy team, and any pleasure you might have in watching baseball. But hey, the swing looked good. Especially as he was looking at a called strike three.

8. Bill Laimbeer. The sneering ringleader of the thuggish Pistons teams was actually an effective player, with a reliable jumper and good rebounding. But no one outside of Detroit will remember anything other than the fact that he was a complete and utter dirtbag who seemed to enjoy hurting people, and really was miscast as a basketball player.

In a more perfect world, Laimbeer would have been a heel wrestler, mugging to the crowd and puling to the refs. He would have needed no mic skills or persona; nuns would have paid money to scream for his blood. Special points for pioneering the clear plastic monster mask to protect a well-deserved broken nose. We're talking about a guy that even the mascots singled out.



7. Donald Trump. So many people hate the Donald for reasons of taste or human decency, but my ire is pure for a 25-year-old sports reason. Because it was Trump who, for no reason other than his own peerless vanity, insisted that the USFL move from the spring to the fall... and it was the USFL where Philadelphia had a well-run, class of the league franchise.

The Stars had Sam Mills and Kelvin Bryant, Jim Mora and Carl Peterson, Irv Eatman and Sean Landeta, Bart Oates and more, more, more. Trump's New Jersey Generals had Doug Flutie, Herschel Walker and a boot print in the ass that had a Stars' logo on it.

And ever since, there has not been good, unpolluted football that played by real rules and had real talent... in the spring and especially early summer, when we all could sorely use it. Bastard.

6. Lawrence Taylor. Come on, he had to be offside! Can't you morons block him? Mix in a screen! Chop block him! Just don't... drop Ron Jaworski back to pass in the same seven step drop that he always used, then watch him move up in the pocket at the last moment, but not fast enough to avoid Taylor taking him down with ridiculous speed. It would get to the point where, as an Eagles fan, I just wanted to see them punt on third down. (Oh, and of course Taylor wound up getting championship rings. Of freaking course.)

5. Willie Stargell. The Pirates' first baseman and lefty slugger was the ringleader of the "We Are Fam-A-Lee" '79 Pirates, who not ony beat out my Phillies for the division, they also went on to win a World Series with a triumph over the Orioles.



So not only were they irritating, and not only did their success mean that disco had power, but it also meant that the reason my team couldn't win was because they weren't a fam-a-lee. Blissfully, the Phillies broke through in the next year, ending the possibility of copycat disco. Phew.

4. Izel Jenkins. The weak link cornerback for the best defense in Eagles history, he was nicknamed "Toast" for a reason by the faithful. Perhaps he was actually a decent player and just was in an impossible situation; it just didn't matter. Everyone else on this defense had a role, value and highlights. Jenkins had a target on his back, and an eternal role as The Scapegoat.

3. Larry Bird. Here's how you know you're an unrepentant Sixers fan. You'd rather have Erving instead of Bird for your all-time NBA team, even though you know that Doc really wasn't as good. (Oh, and you also played the EA Sports Erving vs. Bird game a million times, never as Bird, and only stopped playing the game when Doc pulled off the 256-0 squeaker, in a game where Doc blocked Bird's shot 50 times, and also broked a dozen blackboards on Larry's vile head. Yes, I have issues.)

2. Jimmy Johnson. The fact that he's employed to continue to bray like a jackass on my television is the proof that evil exists in our world, and that good men will continue to be vexed each and every day for this side of the grave. (And sure, if you'd rather go with Smith, Aikman, Irvin or Jones here, I can't really stop you.)

1. Harold Katz. The last owner of a major league area franchise to actually win their way through the playoffs was also an unrelenting tool who traded away Charles Barkley for garbage, and moved the right to Brad Daughtery for... even more utter garbage. We won't even get into drafting Shawn Bradley. Yes, that's how bad he was -- drafting Shawn Bradley isn't his worst mistake. Wow. And this is the last guy who won. Yes, it's been a fun 25 years.