Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: TOP 12 BASEBALL TRADITIONS THAT SHOULD BE REVIVED


by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

12. Shame.

Richie Sexson charges the mound on a pitch that wasn't anywhere near him. Alex Rodriguez screams at a third baseman like a little kid, and slaps at a glove like a bitch. Manny Ramirez watches every extra base hit like it's a freaking oil painting. Guys wear body armor and crowd the plate. Joba Chamberlain and Carlos Zambrano have orgasms when they get strikeouts. Dozens if not hundreds of guys inject.

Is it too much to ask you meatheads to be, you know, men?

11. Seventh inning stretches that recognize America as a fine and honorable nation that needs nothing more than peanuts and Cracker Jack.

Hey, Yankees? You aren't fooling anyone with this 9/11 fetishism. We all know it's just a way to keep your paying customers in the place for another 20 minutes to pump up your concession sales. Stop making money off a tragedy.

(Yes, I know this probably isn't their main motivation, but we are well into 6 years of pointless and grandiose displays, and I'd like it to stop in my lifetime. Spread the word that the Yanks spend the extra time, I don't know, fondling kids or something. Let's end this.)

10. Wildly colorful, insulting, and highly unlikely nicknames.

The Wild Horse of the Osage! Losing Pitcher! Old Aches and Pains! Yes, dammit, a million times yes. These borderline corporations in the batters box need to be taken down a peg. Or six.

9. Hitting the runner with the ball for an out.

If it was good enough for the 19th century, it's good enough for now. Besides, I'd like to see who has enough stones to still bunt in the post-pain era.

8. The bullpen car.

Especially since Tony LaRussa murdered the late innings with constant changes. If you have to change pitchers every hitter, I expect to see 0 to 60 burnouts to get the next slop artist up there.

7. Artificial turf.

You know who hated this stuff? Players. Screw 'em; they're paid enough. I miss parks where you could get a triple just by hitting it hard past the shortstop, because triples rule. Oh, and so does having players who would steal 60 bases a year being actual stars, rather than sabermetrically disrespected. Stolen bases are exciting. Walks aren't. (And yes, I'm an A's fan, but if every team played patient, baseball would be excruciating to watch.)

6. Pennant races.

I'm not completely against the wildcard... but it's way too easy to make it to the playoffs that way and have everything be just hunky dory. So keep the wildcard, but make it hurt -- by having the wildcard team play *all* of its first-round games on the road. If you weren't good enough to win your division, you should suffer. Even if you're really good. (Hell, if you're all that and a bag of chips, you'll win that series anyway with the complete Us vs. Them thing.)

5. Independent minor leagues.

This is a whole 'nother post in itself, but why should so much of the country suffer with local pennant races that mean nothing, and can be compromised at any time? Imagine, for a moment, a country in which college basketball or football worked the same way. Yeah, that's a lame world, isn't it?

4. Mind-boggingly ugly uniforms.

Nothing, but nothing, will ever come close to those mid '70s Astros gamers. Unless it was those crap brown Padre duds. Or that aggro uggo A's gear. Or any number of ChiSox freakouts. Or the Tribe's all-red catsuits. Or...

You know what? Those uniforms were fun. If your team had them, you either Stockholm Syndromed yourself into liking them, or just good-naturedly stuck with it. It made fandom mean something. Forget the throwbacks; make them permanent. (Besides, if you're paying for a uniform, you need to stop taking life seriously.)

3. Cocaine.

Ah, remember those halcyon days where you knew that the players that were abusing illegal drugs were hurting their performance, rather than helping it? Coked-up players spent their money in truly spectacular ways, endured revolving door rehabs, and were easily mocked by any opposing fan with the ability to sniff hard. And since cocaine was wildly expensive, you didn't really have to worry about kids wanting to do it. Bring back Peruvian Marching Powder!

2. Land mines (gloves, statues, etc.).

Once again a time, players left their gloves in the field, and Yankee Stadium had statues in play in deep center field. More of this, please. We've had enough routine plays to last a lifetime.

1. Bizarro Parks.

Not just modern bizarre, like the pinball domes in Seattle, or the freaky offense be damned park in Houston. I'm looking for Polo Grounds insanity (dimensions of 279' to left, 450 to left center, 483 to dead, 449 to right center, and 258 to right). I want parks with decades of history, most of it obscure. Give me places with no luxury box seating at all, troughs in the restrooms, and food that is clearly cheap and bad for you.

Oh, and for a price that means you could go more than a handful of times a year without a trust fund. (And while I'm wishing, I'd like a pony. That craps money.)

11 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

Those 80's white sox uniforms were fantastic... They should bring them back.

Cecilio's Scribe said...

great stuff. bullpen car and outrageous nicknames are a given. if we can come up with ridiculous promos for everything, can we not have a "bullpen car" night across the majors? break out the 70s era helmet-headed golf carts, baby!

Dan Serafini said...

Zambrano is a heck of a lot less demonstrative than he was in past seasons. Lazy writing...

Eyeball Kid said...

I think we should go back further with the drug use than coke - we need more drunks in the game. I want to see people taking pulls of a flask in the dugout.

DMtShooter said...

Well spoken, Kid. Any man that can hit a homer while sloshed is a hero to millions.

As for Big Z's six-week siesta, give us all a break, Cub Homer...

The Zoner said...

"If your team had them, you either Stockholm Syndromed yourself into liking them, or just good-naturedly stuck with it."

80's ChiSox unis--I am guilty as charged! I wore that stuff proudly!! They didn't call it Winning Ugly in 83 for nothing!

rick@waitingfornextyear said...

Very Nice...especially bullpen cars and shame

How do you spell retard? said...

Good point about the nickname's. I'm so fuckin' tired of the first initial-part of last name nickname (ARod, J-Roll, K-Fuku, etc.).
But David "Big Papi" Ortiz ruined nicknames entirely. It's not a nickname when it is used almost everytime in place of your actaul name.

Shaun said...

Or the great days in late 70's/early 80's when half the teams had powder blue uniforms.

I support all of this... except troughs in the men's room. The urinal is a modern convenience that I can get behind. Or in front of.

SoxAddict said...

I absolutely don't miss troughs in the bathrooms. I'm a bad public pisser and so when I went to Fenway, I'd stand at the trough for 5 minutes straight. People would think I was a pervert but really I was just trying to urinate.

Eventually something exciting would happen and everyone would run outside at once.. then I could finally let loose.

Mr. Thursday said...

"I'm looking for Polo Grounds insanity..."

What, 435 to dead center with a hill and a column isn't good enough for you?

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