by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
15. Title Jumper. This is the guy that has never watched or cared about a sport until his college or town has success in it. Then, it's all about Lacrosse / the WNBA / Minor League Baseball / the Olympics, baby... all while never admitting that he's just gravy training.
Key phrase: "That's totally unfair. I've loved that sport since I was, um..."
14. Homeless Homer. Has lived in the area forever, yet still insists on rooting for teams from other towns, mostly to be That Guy at the bar -- the one that's delighting in your town's misery. I always wonder if this guy spends his non-sports time going to the funerals of strangers to gloat.
Key phrase in the US: "Is there some law that says I have to root for the local team? No, there isn't."
Key phrase when living in Philadelphia: "My f****** eye! Goddamit! You hit me in my f****** eye!"
13. Gomer Pure. Never switches off to any other sport, and spends the off-season obsessing about a league where little is happening. He's also big on impugning your fandom, since you don't spend 24/7/365 like he does.
Key phrase: "I'm totally pumped up for the draft." (Any draft.)
12. Before They Sold Out. This fan only likes a team that's on the way up, and can't wait to blow them up in the moment that they no longer seem on the ascent. There's a high corollary to Gomer Pure here.
Key phrase: "They've lost their way. They should tank the rest of their games."
11. All Hat, No Cattle. This Grade A Schmuck and Walking Wallet has the gear, the seats, the big screen, and, somehow, no ability to name anyone on the team that isn't a star. It's more about being there than, you know, actually caring.
Key phrase: "We had to leave early."
10. Virtual Fan. This is the guy who is absolutely stuck to know anything about the team that wasn't in the last version of Madden et al. He's also highly likely to be a fantasy nerd who is convinced that you can just mix in number generating players to win.
Key phrase: "He totally kicked ass for me in [insert game or league title here]. That's amazing, that he's also a hunchback."
9. No Credit. His team has never, ever lost a game due to the good play of an opponent. It's always about how his team sucked, the coach is an idiot, they choked... etc. This one's especially fun to put up with if you are a fan of the opponent.
Key phrase: "They totally gave that game away."
8. Old School. All modern conveniences -- possibly all the way back to electric lights -- are suspect, if not actual conspiracies based on corporate interests.
Hey phrase: "You know what's ruined this game?"
7. Character Uber Alles. All aspects of a game -- talent, experience, the match-up, etc. -- can be boiled down to some nebulous aspects of character. You can count on this guy to insult anyone who knows anything about statistics.
Key phrase: "They just didn't want it enough."
6. Griefer. Seemingly always employed by some major broadcast network just so that they can cut to the Montage of Failure that everyone from that area just absolutely despises. The piece de resistance is that crushing insincerity for the pain.
Key phrase (unspoken): "Your tears are so yummy!"
5. Bean Counter. Knows the salaries of every player more than their actual production, and seems to take it personally when the higher paid players underperform, rather than getting annoyed at the team that made the offer in the first place.
Key phrase: "Do you believe how much he makes for that? I could do that!"
4. George Willy. Whether or not he's actually an intellectual, this killjoy likes to go on at considerable and unstoppable length about the sublime pleasures of this pedestrian, proletarian enterprise, delighting in the simple hardscrabble craftsmanship of these humble, hardworking, salt of the earth types who... Gah. Sorry, I have to go punch myself. Note that the hero worship rarely crosses racial lines.
Key phrase: Skipped, so that I don't have to move up to beating myself with a blunt object.
3. Beer Paladin. Ready and willing to throw down to defend the honor of his team, Beer Paladin has Blood or Crip level skills to determine who in the crowd isn't wearing the right colors. If he can win the fistfight and not get arrested, his team will definitely win the game.
Key phrase: Unprintable, in that it entirely consists of obscenities.
2. Woe is Me. A depressed loser who is convinced that his team will break his heart, and seemingly can't wait until it happens. Can't take pleasure in any victory, even a championship, because we all know they won't repeat. Will welcome Death's sweet, sweet embrace, until they discover that it's going to hurt for real.
Key phrase: "I knew they were going to lose all along."
1. Catch Phrase Repeater. I honestly didn't think this guy existed, until I heard him at my office the other day. "What does Stuart Scott say... Cool as the other side of the pillow! Ha ha ha! That's great!" Yes, no sense of irony, no sarcasm, just repeating a tired, tired catch phrase Because It's Fun!, from a distance of 25 feet away, and no, I can't not hear it, because his voice carries like a seal and stupid cuts through headphones like a knife through butter... GAHHHH! DIE, Catch Phrase Repeater, DIE!
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool