OUR ROOKIE IS BETTER THAN YOURS

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

I love football as much as, and possibly more than, my only child. But this is ri-friggin'-diculous. A 2009 Mock Draft?! The 2008 rookies haven't even reported to camp yet.

It's one thing when Anonymous Internet Hacks engage in such things (we know what kind of filth bloggers are), but ESPN is, sort of but not really, a semi-respectable journalistic institution. The number of unknowables in a 2009 Mock Draft are staggering. McShay isn't even making guesses at this point, he's just drawing names out of a hat.

And what's worse? HE'S GOT THE EAGLES MISSING THE PLAYOFFS AGAIN, DAMMIT. And the Cowflops in the Super Bowl (though they do lose, which would be damned fun to watch). Hey, how about we wait for Dallas to win a playoff game for the first time in a dozen years before giving them the NFC Championship, hmmm?

Well, I can make a Mock Draft too. With the 32nd pick of the first round (you heard me, bitch) the Eagles take Jesus. Not Jesus Shuttlesworth. Not even Jesus of South Philadelphia.

No. I want Jesus H. Christ. The Nazarene. The Son of God. The Light of the World. He's wiry, but he's strong (His workouts include hanging by his arms for hours). He can absolutely fly in those sandals and I'm positive they'll be the healthiest team in the league.

Reggie White was the Minister of Defense. This guy can be the Christ of Kicking Ass.

How did He last until the end of the round? Character issues. And His manners are terrible. It's like the guy was born in a barn.

No matter. I'm building a football team, not a boy's choir. With Jesus in midnight green -- What position? All of them -- the Eagles should dominate the NFL for the foreseeable future. For all eternity, really. Unless Jerry Jones becomes a seven-headed dragon and I wouldn't put it past him.

He Is Risen -- and He'll score 33 touchdowns.