by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Let's face facts... unless you're in a fortunate MLB market, or a Celtics or Lakers fan, this is just another month of sports that you are just pretending (or not) to care about, and another 3+ weeks until you can get your football freak on. And the only thing that might be able to distract you until then is Fake Football... and the only thing that really matters at this stage of Fake Football is coming up with a great team name, since training camp injuries and performance is going to skew your rankings anyway.
In my day job, one of my duties is to name products, services and Web sites. In business, everyone knows the value of a good name, but I am also 100% convinced that I have never pulled off a league win without, at least, a solid team name. It's like tithing, or slaughtering animals: necessary for success before battle. Also, if your name be lame, the grief that you will take from your other nerdlings is endless.
You can, of course, just log onto a blog with suggested names (yes, mine has plenty), rather then beat your brains in trying to come up with your own name. But if you want to name your own, a good way to start is to recognize the themes you can use to inspire your thinking.
10. Hetero double entendres. Kind of a frat boy thing, but this can work if you find a particularly repulsive slang term (UrbanDictionary.com is your friend), or you can tie it into some regrettable instance from a league mate's past. Can you win a league with the team from spite? Of course you can.
Samples (and they should all fit in the character Yahoo limit): My Johnson Is A Tank, Snake Stabler Sneaks, Fourth and Very Long
9. Off-field scandal. Another obvious play, especially if you go for something topical. Trust me, fifteen million meatheads are going to use their team name this year to reference Fat Ced Benson, to the point where he's going to be the best known player in the CFL in two years. If you are going here, I'd go for something with historical stopping power, but if you're a Bears fan, I can understand the need for Ceed. At least be quick about it, so the other guy in the league who wants to go there will look like a tool, rather than you.
Sample: Driving Miss Benson, Carruth's Comebacks, Leinart's Beer Bongs
8. Homo eroticism. A bit more confident, but still kind of a meathead staple. Much more permissible when used in conjunction with a personal attack on a fellow owner, especially if that owner gets a little too angry at the jibe. Where there's smoke...
Samples: Offensive Holding, Tight End Blockers, Very Wide Receivers, Ocho Homos
7. Scatological. Najeh Davenport is the gift that keeps on giving here, with a contribution to fantasy football that will be around long after he's dead and gone. For extra originality points, try using a non-common term for the deed. This one also works if your team is something you always want to flush at mid-season.
Samples: 3 Hour Groaners, Romeo's Brown Eggs, Najeh's Feedback, Duce Staleys, Rich Kotites
6. Crime. Football team names are supposed to be aggro, so let the USFL (Invaders -- wow, maybe that needs to go in category eight) and XFL (Hitmen) be your guide to Thug Life. (Please keep in mind though, 2Pac, that you are engaging in Dungeons and Dragons for football fans here, before you get too serious about your street cred.)
Samples: Jersey Wet Workers, The Hired Goons, Ninjas & More Ninjas
5. Cultural References. A very sound choice if you are in a 100% redraft league, and convenient for time-stressed feedback. Why develop your own voice, when you can just crib from people who are more clever than you? By the mid-season mark, everyone will be sick to death of it, but that adds valuable Heel Points for enraging your victims. (Yes, I have gone here. Many, many times.)
Samples: There Will Be Blood, Grand Theft Football, Mean Machine
4. Non Sequiturs. To befuddle your opponents into thinking that you are either an idiot man-child who can be suckered into deals, or to just make owners that you don't know give you a wide berth, let the Dada art and poetry movements be your guide. Bonus points if your team name is vaguely unsettling or unseemly.
Samples: Mustache Fish Riders, Fruit Transmissions, Angry When Angered
3. Nerdgasms. Take your lead from one of my heroes, Stephen Colbert, and just *own* your nerding by making fun of yourself first. That way, everyone else will seem like they got to the party late, and you'll seem like a better guy than you are when it comes to making trades. Besides, look at who makes all the money now, and didn't just inherit it. What do you got? NERDS!
Samples: +4 Vorpal Quarterback, Third Life Warriors, Klingon Air Power
2. Pejoratives. If you are like me, well, you really should get that checked. You also hate your team as soon as you are done drafting it, or if and when they ever lose. About the only thing you can be sure about in playing this game is that the capacity for self-abuse is endless, whether it comes from benching the wrong players to making the wrong pick or getting buggered in a trade to being too slow for the hot free agent pickup... well, I'll just stop here before I start punching myself. So why not make your team reflect your true nature?
Samples: Toilet Dwellers, Freaking Losers, Very Special Teams, Douchebags R Us
1. Meta comedy. When all else fails, just call your team something sad and generic, especially if it has nothing to do with your actual rooting interest. This one works well if everyone else in the league has nerded up and gone over the top with their names, and can't be beat for the sheer time savings. The only down side is that, well, I've never seen a team win with this strategy, and dry humor doesn't always translate into written speech.
Samples: Cardinals, Football Team, Wildcats, Lines Of Numbers
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool