BEGINNING THY QUEST FOR A 2008 FANTASY TEAM NAME

by Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

Is it really ever too early to start thinking about your fantasy team name? Let’s be serious, there is only so much reading you can do before training camp that will really help your draft. So, while it doesn’t hurt to pick up a fantasy annual in June and familiarize yourself with the McFadden’s, Forte’s, and Stewarts of the world, now is the time to direct your focus on your naming strategy. If you are too bush league to know the importance of a fantasy team, then you should go get your sports from the WWL. Otherwise, I’ll be your guide.

Future Jack: It’s always a solid bet to work in Lost references into your fantasy repertoire. With all that’s happened in the abbreviated season 4, there’s plenty of material, but the bearded, Vicodin-eating Jack from the future is a virtual treasure trove.

Ocho Sinko: Believe me, whether or not Chad Johnson produces this year or not, this is grade A material to make your friends paranoid. We’re talking the dude (Strawberry) from Cheech In Chong’s Up in Smoke paranoid, where he flips out that he is under attack and jumps off the motorcycle when Chong in riding in the side car. Whoever drafts Ocho Cinco is in for a long season or heart arrhythmia.


Roofie Volunteer: This has nothing to do with anything, but drugs are funny.

Dead (Like a Hooker) Spin: We all know how this is going to end. Whoever walks into this seemingly cushy gig is going be subjected to endless, “Deadspin has sucked ever wince Will left” harassment. Even the New York Times ran a cover story about Gawker jumping the shark, when it’s original blog gurus packed it up and moved to Radar. Nevertheless, bloggers and their readers are the biggest groupthink bunch of nitwits out there. So let’s pile on the hate.


Indiana Jones’ Clean Diaper: I hate to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but the movie just sucked. While normal I would alert you to the spoils that follow, let’s just say that the fucking UFO combined with a 70 year Indy swinging around like Spiderman is not a good formula. And if anyone can explain that opening scene to me, I will be forever indebted to you.


Guitar Hiro: I didn't think of this one, but i really like it. Sometimes you just want to go with someone or something badass. Let Hiro Nakumara, the biggest badass on TV, and his samurai sword fill the void. I’m a recent Heroes convert, so Hiro will probably make his was into my repertoire this season.

Guru Tugginmypudha: I know when it comes to implementing epic movie characters, most of you are probably on the Judd Apatow bandwagon with stuff like McLovin and Cal Naughton, Jr., but never underestimate the master of the name, Mike Myers. Love Guru is chock full of good material. Besides Guru Tugginmypudha, there’s some other nice ones like Dick Pants, Guru Satchabigknoba, and the subtle, yet strong Darren Roanoke.

Strahan Away From the Camera: Wow does this one suck. Sorry, I have to go to a meeting in 5 minutes. Anyway, you think Tiki was bad? Watching Strahan on TV is gonna go down like a nice prune juice and dried fruit smoothie. It just look good. It doesn’t sound good. It all around just doesn’t feel good.