BRITCHES GET STICHES OR HOOKERS PIMP SLAPPED?

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

Roller derby is based on three simple principles: 1) attractive women 2) wearing skimpy clothing 3) doing violent things.

(A tutorial video produced by the Gem City Rollergirls from Dayton, Ohio will explain the nuances of the game.)

But if you doubt roller derby is a sport, if you think these women aren't out for blood, if your only memory of the game is the ridiculous WWE-version from the 80s, the Philly Roller Girls will happily disabuse you of such silly notions.

"I just try to skate and hit bitches as hard as I can," said Kellie "Gefilte Fists" Goldberg, a seemingly quiet and well-adjusted woman who works with disabled adults during the day and serves as a blocker for the Philthy Britches by night. Her motto is "Get Fisted."

"I love hitting people," she added. "Hitting the floor hurts. Hitting each other hurts too, but in a loving way. The floor is always hard. Roller girls are soft."

Saturday, at the Sportsplex in Feasterville, Pa, the undefeated Philthy Britches will take on the Heavy Metal Hookers for the league championship. The Britches are the league darlings, two-time champions who tend to ride roughshod over the opposition and haven't lost a bout in two years.

The Hookers, in contrast, finished have finished last for the past two seasons. This year, they're 3-1 with their only loss coming March 3 to -- Hollywood couldn't do it any better -- the Britches.

The Hookers want that Warrior Cup, but mostly they want revenge.

"It's not about the trophy," said Sayori "Wreckin Eyze" Shaw, a blocker for the Hookers. "It's about beating the Britches. Nobody cares about the trophy.

"2008. It's the Year of the Hooker," she added.

"Their time has come," said Hookers blocker Jen "Val Halla" Simms. "The Ragnarok is nigh."

It's been a banner year for the three-year old PRG. The league's traveling team, the Liberty Belles, is ranked ninth in the country by the Women's Flat Track Derby Association. June 21-22 the PRG will host more than 50 teams at the Sportsplex for the East Coast Derby Extravaganza.

"All of these girls are so amazing," said Danecia "Nina Knockout" Berrian, a member of the Broad Street Butchers and possibly the most feared blocker in the league. She's also a fifth grade teacher. "I don't have any discipline problems."

"I've seen this sport grow from a preemie to a mega-monster," Berrian added. "As far as women, there's no sport we can claim as our own, that we started, manage, run and produce, that's 100 percent us. But roller derby is. It's empowering."

The Butchers kick off Saturday's festivities at 6 p.m. skating against the Dutchland Derby All-Stars from Lancaster County, Pa. The main event will begin about 7:45 p.m.

Violence, hot chicks and the Sportsplex sells beer. It may not be heaven, but it's damned close.

"You can't go wrong with hot girls in hot pants," Simms said. "I don't even like girls and I know that."

(Photos courtesy of Takeo Takahasi, Vanessa "Euro Thrash" Jackson, PhilthyBritches and Asa Frye.)