Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SH!T?


by Scott Sargent, Waiting For Next Year

A dude spends all of this off-season practicing. Hits all of his free throws, drains a shit ton of three-balls... and then hits more free throws. And what does J.J. get? Nada. Nothing. Dwayne Wade? Dwyane Wade doesn't even make the playoffs, yet he gets named to the Olympic team?

The official release isn't supposed to be until Monday, yet he gets named as one of the guards? I was waiting for my text message from Jerry. J.C., what gives, man?

J.J.'s set ACC records, bro. ACC. Records. You hear that shit? Wade wasn't even in the ACC. Pssh. Big East, Shmig East. Just ask Dick Vitale. Dwyane? He couldn't cut it; that's top notch competition right there in the ACC. Hey, what has two thumbs and has the most consecutive free throws made in the ACC?

That's right. THIS GUY.

[follow-through motion]

Hey, where's Dwyane Wade's Rupp Trophy? Oh, really? He can borrow one of mine if he'd like. That's because J.J. won two of them. Two, bro. Who do you think I am, Tim Duncan? Bitch, please. He didn't hit nearly as many long-balls as J.J. Chicks dig that shit. Fundamentals and defense, my rich ass.

What did you say? My collar's messed up? Oh, contraire mon frere - that's how J.J. rolls. I was ready to unleash this shit all over China. You know how many treys I could have drained with that weak three-point line? You can't even count that high. It's all kilometers and shit. And if by chance I'd get fouled? No sweat, bro. Free throws are like riding a bike and shit.

What do you mean that don't make sense? It makes a shit ton of sense. You know what else makes sense? Swish, bro. Swish. I don't see your jersey hanging from no rafters. You have no idea.

[follow-through motion]

Let's see Dwyane Wade nail a few threes. Dude doesn't even take threes, yet he's going to China? That's some messed up shit right there. Sure, I'll put him in my five. Five treys, bro. That's 15 points. Fifteen. That's more than seven pansy lay-ups in that goofy-looking key will get'cha.

Hey, if they want to try and win without J.J. they'll have to do it with a bunch of two-pointers. You have to sleep in the bed you made, bro. We'll see how that works out. Jokers.

Autograph? Not now chief, I'm in the zone. Somebody get me a Jagerbomb. Make that three of 'em. Swish, bro.

[follow-through motion]

5 comment(s):

UKChris said...

Wasn't Marquette still in Conference USA when Wade was there?

J.J. said...

There's ACC, and then there's non-ACC...

Anonymous said...

marquette played for cusa when wade was there. get your facts straight.

The Prophet said...

Panties drop when J.J's collar pops...

J.J. said...

Damn straight, Prophet. Anonymous has no idea.

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