DEAR MLB BRAIN TRUST

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Dear Mr MLB Marketing Man,

Hello, I've recently stumbled across your plan of replicating me. Or should I say completely defacing everything I stand for. At first I just thought you were selling little tiny replicas to stupid americans who like to waste their money on trinkets. So I thought alright no big deal these people don't get to go to the great city of New York and don't get the opportunity to spend countless hours waiting in line to take the ferry out to my island and see me in person. It's ok that they want a little me in their cubical or desk at home. It's not that bad.

But now, in my own city you're going to embarrass me. In my home turf you're going to have me wearing a god damn Red Sox uniform. A Red Sox uniform? You think its a good idea for me to be wearing that in New York? When I get urinated on, I'm going to come after all of you and shove my torch right up your ass.

And you're going to put some scruffy looking Pirate face on me? I'm originally French so let's just say I know my fashion and boys that isn't fashion that's hideous. If there is going to be a man's face near lady liberty's wondrous lady parts than that man is both going to be shaved and prepared for a lengthy tongue work out. And no I do not want any mustache rides.

After this nonsense is over you better give me a hard core wash and scrub to redeem yourself.

You Guys Are F'n Idiots,
Lady Liberty