by Isaac, The World of Isaac
I was shocked last week to hear that former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield went broke. I mean, this never happens to athletes right, especially boxers . Stunning I tell ya...
And I did some investigating, (i.e. I typed in "Evander Holyfield" in Google) and found that Evander made somewhere in the range of $250 million in his career. In fact, in one six fight span, he made an incredible $107 Million.
So how in the hell did Holyfield lose that much money.....
Well, aside from the fact that he pays over $500k in child support, I think I have the number one reason why...
He married a chick named CANDI.
Now, amongst men with any type of functioning brain, there is an unwritten rule.
YOU DONT MARRY CHICKS THAT ARE STRIPPERS OR HAVE STRIPPER NAMES...
You just don't. You can go out on a date with one if you want but thats as far as it can go.
If you are unsure if your girl qualifies , here are some examples of names...
Diamond
Cinnamon
Crystal
Destiny
Angel
Mercedes
Cherry
Porsche
Chastity
Sierra
Now, obviously this list is not complete.
In fact, those are just names of chicks that work at the Flight Club in Detroit. I may or may not have been there a few dozen times.
Anyways, thats beside the point...(although if my girlfriend happens to stumble on this post, please know that I have only gotten dances from Chastity and Cinnamon. They hold a special place in my heart and in my lap)
Moving on....
If you have pulled an "Evander" and accidentally married a chick with one of these names, you need to do the following...
1) Go to Costco and get a 5 gallon Tub of Industrial Cleaner
2) Dump industrial cleaner into a lukewarm bath
3) Sit your fat ass in that bath for approxiamately 24 hours
4) Make sure to rub off all the herpes and crabs that might be visible to the naked eye
5) Go the nearest courthouse
6) File for Divorce from your stripper wife
7) Show them the burns on your body from the industrial cleaner you just bathed in and tell them she tried to kill you
8) Sign the necessary papers
9) Hop a plane to Detroit and immediately make your way to the Flight Club
10) Get a lapdance from Chastity or Cinnamon. Tell them Isaac sent you. (Come on, I get a free dance for every client I refer.)
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
DON'T MARRY A STRIPPER!
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6 comment(s):
I'd like to suggest you add Bambi and Amber to the list of names. You know if they have names like that you need to steer clear.
I considered adding Bambi but didn't want to draw the ire of the PETA folks...
U can marry strippers all day long. U just gotta put ur Mack Hand Down GodDamnIt! Strippers aren't for the weak. So if your soft like a twinkie, not a good idea. U can lift weights, fight, Do Time, All Dat. But if U don't lay down the law & put the pants on in the relationship. U bout to get ran like a marathon (stripper or Not.)Love, Peace, & Fish Grease!
Holyfield is one of my favorite fighters ever, but doesn't say much for his candlepower that he went and married a stripper. That's the point of strippers--you don't *have* to marry them! Why buy the cow when you can get all the milk you want for free, and then get some more milk from some other cow, or get milk from two cows at the same time?
Gee, Isaac, it's not at all obvious that you're just bitter over a bad break-up or simply bad with the ladies.
I'm 23 - and was a stripper through college. I earned enough money to graduate with no debt and zero student loans. I am now attending med school at Columbia and engaged to a doctor, who has no problem with marrying a former stripper.
You're being extremely shortsighted. Not all dancers are STD-infested whores. It's a great way to make a living - and I can guarantee that most dancers make more money than a subpar online writer like you.
med school at Colombia huh?
I wonder how truthful you were in that interview Ally...
By the way, what was your stage name? I've probably had many a lapdance from you...Or is that all strippers are putting themselves through college/med school?...
On a side note, since you're in med school you'll know that valtrex is a good treatment for herpes...But then again, you probably already knew that anyways
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