FOOTBALL SEASON NEEDS TO BE HERE, AND IT NEEDS TO BE HERE NOW

by WCT, The Ship of Fools

I had never been one who believed in the so-called "dog days of summer," when the weather gets hot, and the sports landscape becomes as dull and barren as the Sahara Desert on its worst day. I always thought this was an excuse sports journalists used for writing pointless and uninteresting crap, instead of actual sports news about meaningful events. Well my friends, after the last week or so, I'm completely on board, because this summer is a sports wasteland. Besides Fresno State doing their part to generate some interest in a mostly dull sporting event, not much has occurred that has moved the needle in the sports world. Don't believe me? Lets take a quick look at what has been making news recently:

- First we have this ridiculous story of Shaquile O'Neal jumping up on stage at a hole-in-the-wall club in New York (seriously, I have been to that place. I had no idea multi-million dollar athletes hang out in dumps like that) and attempting to clown Kobe Bryant in a freestyle. All of this while comparing himself to Bigge (ugh), ignoring the fact that he was making fun of Kobe for losing in the Finals when his team lost in the first round, and creating the new "it" phrase for the moment ("tell me how my ass tastes!")

- Then we have the convoluted story of what really happened to Javon Walker in Las Vegas, and how he ended up beaten, robbed and left for dead by the side of the road. Walker claims he was beaten and robbed in his hotel room (!) then dragged against his will through the Bellagio lobby and out to a car(!!), then it was reported that he willingly got into a car where he was robbed and assaulted, then came reports that he was duped by a woman into getting into his assailants' car. Well, at least the story is becoming more and more believable each time it is amended.

- What about the tale of middling (at best) Houston Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon, and what really happened next to the buffet spread between him and Astros GM Ed Wade? Who said what to whom? Who was the first to raise his voice? And what the hell caused Chacon to do his best LaTrell Sprewell impression and attempt to choke out Wade?

- We also have the constant updates on the dunking exploits of human-WNBA-respirator Candace Parker. A basketball player, taking the ball down the court, completely unguarded, in the waning seconds of a blowout, and barely dunking a basketball, has been a top story. Twice. It doesn't matter how many times they show her rim-scraping dunks on TV, its not going to make that league profitable.

Contrast those inane stories with the actual on-the-field sports that have taken place, or are upcoming this summer:

- The Euro Cup: eh, there have been some exciting games matches, but at the end of the day, its still just soccer.

- The Olympics: still more than a month away, and besides basketball, how many events are you really getting fired up to watch?

- The MLB All-Star Game: the night will come, there will be lots of great players assembled in one building, there will be lots of hyperbole about the greatness of Yankee Stadium, the American League will win, again, and we will all go on with our lives.

- Wimbledon (?): never heard of it.

- Golf: yes, the U.S. Open was great theater, but now we have to deal with a golf season without Tiger Woods.

So that's it. We are firmly in the dog days of summer. Actual sports suck, and the only other sports news making headlines is so pointless and stupid it could make your head spin. All we have to look forward to between now and Labor Day Weekend, when college football kicks off, is ridiculous stories about athletes making asses of themselves off the field, football players grousing about their contracts, and, presumably, a semi-weekly story about another Candace Parker faux-dunk. That, and the occasional yahoo selling some stupid bit of non-memorabilia on eBay is all we have to hold us over. Its going to be a long few weeks before football starts...