NADAL IS A BEAST WITH PLAY-DOH

by Sterling Gould, Staff Writer

You've got to wonder what motivates a man to be an animal when the conditions are right. Just like you've got to wonder what motivates me to get out of bed and put my clothes on before three in the afternoon (Miley Cyrus? Yeah... gotta be). Rafael Nadal has got something lit under his ass, especially for the French Open in Roland Garros, which helped him claim his fourth title in as many years and a flawless record on those courts (28-0... bitches). It's my belief, that Raffey got his superior touch on the clay since his wee-junior days, when he would craft masterpieces with his bare hands using Play-Doh. His father probably constructed a court in their backyard, using the World's favorite mold able artsy shit. I know, you're totally feeling me on this.

His playing partner yesterday was none other than racket God Roger Federer who uhh... got totally pwned. The score from the match? 6-1, 6-3, 6-0. Christ, talk about looking old and completely past your prime. It was the worst defeat Federer has taken in his Grand Slam career (173 matches total) and one of the worst lopsided defeats in the last 15 years. Play-Doh Beast had this to say:

“When I was playing, I didn’t believe the match. I feel the match has to be closer.”

Probably the best sentence you're going to get with Nadal thanks to his broken English, but you catch the drift. He was thinking "Goddamn, am I really beating the piss out of this old-bandana-sportin' fogey?" The answer is "yes dude, you totally castrated him on world-wide television and kept his balls as souvenirs to display with your new trophy." Fine work lad, fine work.