TOP 15 REASONS THE CUBS WON'T WIN THIS YEAR

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Despite a three-game sweep at the hands of those Amazin' Rays, the Cubs still have the best record in the National League, and appear to have their best chance since the 1908 team to win a World Series. Why won't it happen for them?

15. 90% of their fan base is comprised of people who are either going to agree with everything on this list, or question my sexual orientation for writing it

14. When your biggest celebrity fan (Bill Murray) is alleged to be in a borderline OJ Simpson situation with his soon to be ex-wife, the karma is not right for a championship

13. It would be too close to the White Sox championship (note: yes, the White Sox did win a championship, even though the Chicago and national media more or less ignored it)

12. Kerry Wood is the closer, which means that a Hittable and Tragic Figure needs to come through in the clutch

11. When your fans treat your beloved stadium as an open-air urinal, it just doesn't exactly inspire championships

10. Carlos Zambrano's strikeout rate is at his lowest rate since his rookie year and he's about to miss a start, which means he's incredibly due to have his heart-breaking Prior/Wood-style injury

9. God isn't cruel enough to subject the world to another long-suffering fanbase that becomes utterly and relentlessly intolerable

8. The starting pitching has copious amounts of Jason Marquis, Ted Lilly and Ryan Dempster, which means the bullpen is going to get burned out any minute now

7. Cubs players can never resist, over the course of the year, getting as hammered as their fans

6. Geovany Soto probably can't maintain a +.900 OPS and his status as arguably the best hitting catcher in MLB, especially with a lot of day games and limited playing time for back-ups (mostly, that's Henry Blanco, so you see why)

5. One suspects that they really aren't the second-best offensive and fourth-best pitching staff in all of MLB

4. The last 700 at-bats before changing the laundry says that Jim Edmonds really isn't a good offensive player anymore

3. Eventually, they'll remember that they play in Comedy Central and "relax"

2. Despite their better record this year, getting swept by the Rays is still getting swept by the Rays

1. They are the Cubs