TOP 16 MLB PLAYERS FOR YOUR DEAD POOL

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Why just limit yourself to traditional fantasy leagues, when you can add an intense level of ghoulishness, and perhaps a measure or revenge day-dreaming, to your sordid hopes and dreams? It's just like Mitchell Report Steroid Bingo, only with the awful fist pump payoff of cheering another man's death. Draft early and repent often!

16. Barry Zito. What, you don't think the Giants would have him killed to get out of that contract? Besides, he's also been with Alyssa Milano, a well-known black widow. Don't believe me? Well then, riddle me this... how come no one has seen Carl Pavano for so long? She's got him in her crawl space. (Admittedly, probably not a terrible place to be...)

15. Robinson Cano. He's killed your fantasy team and, perhaps, the hopes of one of the more rabid and hostile fan bases in MLB. He also isn't old enough to develop a significant fan base, or wealthy enough to catch every sniper. Besides, Yankee Fan, he knows a guy that knows a guy that does, you know, stuff...

14. Ugie Urbina. Currently doing 14 years in a Venezuela prison for activities that would require a lot of stops at the Pay 'n Spray. Grand Theft Ugie should probably be higher on this list, and he may be a real bargain in a later round draft, provided you can still count him as a MLB player.

13. JD Drew. The Boston OF and Lover of a God That Pays Cash gets the ire of not just Yankee Fan, but also Phillies Fan, Cardinal Fan, Brave Fan, Dodger Fan, and any number of unhinged fantasy players who failed to get The Good Year or anything approaching a measure of loyalty. But for that grand slam last year, Boston Fan would be right with everyone else to provide a Unified Wall of Hate. If a man could die from sheer cumulative hate, he'd have gone up like an extra in "Scanners" by now.

12. Manny Corpas. Corpas is Spanish for corpse, right? Like nearly every other Rockies player, he's been death to all fantasy teams this year, and the presence of so many Friends of Jebus on the moribund Rockies is just bound to attract attention -- divine or otherwise. Perhaps the smiting of the holier than thou didn't just end in the Series...

11. Jon Lester. Hey, Sox fan! Remember last year, when I pointed out that some of you weren't too thrilled with his comeback from cancer when it was costing you games, because he was getting the stuffing knocked out of him? Well, gosh, I guess the World Series win and no hitter, not to mention your imminent NBA championship and my Job-like existence in a world that was clearly made for you and your little friends has showed me up, and but good. But you probably still want to take Lester. You know, just in case this is all a big, 18 And One Very Big One kind of tease.

10. Curt Schilling. (Hmm, lots of Boston on this age. Project away, readers.) Like anyone thinks that he's going to go quietly? Let's face it, between Bloggy McBloggermouth's MLB, media and political work, he's just collecting crazed loners faster than he collects Lou Gehrig's unmentionables. The only real advantage to Big Schill is that he's got the bucks to afford his own paramilitary force, and since he's such a fan of the President (still, Curt? You and the other 24%?), he's probably getting Secret Service protection. And maybe a cool nickname, too.

9. Barry Bonds. Yes, I know what you are thinking -- if someone didn't take him out before he became the Home Run Overlord, how are they supposed to get to him now? I completely agree; he's proven himself Oswald-proof. But I do also think that his immense head could explode at any second, and that one of the reasons why no other MLB team has signed him is because it's emitting an audible ticking sound. That can't be good.

8. Randy Johnson. Between his tendency to still provoke fights, his advanced age, and the fact that if you saw him on the street, you'd probably call Animal Control, that's a lot of risk factors for the big lefthander. I'm also suspecting that, eventually, The Birds will have their revenge, having once seen this documentary about what happens when you get a lot of them in one place and they all go crazy. I think it was called "The Birds That Came To A Little Town And Killed Some People And Made Me Pee Myself."

7. Bobby Crosby. The A's shortstop, after years and years of struggling with a bizarre and constant stream of injuries, is the only member of the team to have played in all of their games in 2008. If you draft him, you are counting on him collecting all of his misfortune for the year into one epic and fatal Inspector Clouseau-like piece of terminal slapstick. I think it would likely involve a fan, a banana peel, a safe, a plate glass window, a toaster, a woman with a baby and a bathtub. Possibly a fruit cart, too. As an A's fan, I only hope he's alone when it happens, because he's liable to take out Eric Chavez and Mark Ellis (again).

6. Jamie Moyer. The Phillies' lefthander will, we're pretty sure, die of old age while on an MLB roster. Considering that he's old enough to have played with Ryne Sandberg, Alvin Davis and Mordecai Brown, that could happen at any time, really. (Here's a fun thought: will Moyer throw harder after he's dead? Submit your answer in the form of an Icelandic saga.)

5. Miguel Tejada. It's a scurrilous rumor that he's actually older than Moyer, John McCain and Samuel Clemens (brother of Roger). But what isn't a rumor is that he's been cheating AARP out of their membership money for years now, and those people are merciless. If you don't believe me, try to cut in line at an early bird dinner buffet, play one of them for money on a golf course, or sit at a poker table with them during the early morning hours in Vegas or Atlantic City. The grandmothers especially will be dining on your Rocky Mountain Oysters.

4. Pedro Martinez. Big combination of risk factors here. First, you've got Unhinged Mets Fan, who has been watching something like 160 games of .500 baseball, complete with a gut-busting collapse last year in the stretch, without a single managerial pelt on the wall. Second, you've got his advanced age; the man played for the Expos when they were good and had fans, for heaven's sake. Third, he's had so many injuries, I can only assume the end is nigh, and that he's about to lose his health insurance. Fourth, his reputation as a big time headhunter means that, somewhere, Gerard Williams is talking to his rifle while he cleans it, over and over and over again.

But the big kicker is the off-season cockfighting in Venezuela. It may be legal there, but I'm guessing you still meet some, um, colorful people while doing it, judging from Vickgate. Also, I can't imagine that, once you've dipped your beak in the playful waters of cockfighting, you're not betting on it. I mean, who could resist?

3. Doug Davis. What, too soon? Fine. fine. (Like there are any Diamondback fans to get offended. You people are all just Cub fans who are too happy with your team's performance to care what the locals are doing anyway.)

2. Alex Rodriguez. If Alex's people see this list, they'll be sure to renegotiate him up to number one. Sure, he's got all of the money in the world, but he's also got a predilection for muscular women, and for, well, cheating on muscular women. If you're going to screw around, it's best to go with the dainty types.

Finally, like Cano, he's also got Yankee Fan to deal with. They don't give everyone entering the building a hardcore security patdown for fun. (It's more to make sure that no one can avoid ponying up another $40 on concessions.) Yes, MLB+ players pay a price for all of that plus-ness...

1. Milton Bradley. Will Milton take himself out, have a teammate do it for him, or get gunned down by someone from one of the myriad number of teams (San Diego, Oakland, Dodgers, Cleveland, Montreal and counting) that he's boned? At this point, maybe it would be a team effort, kind of like pitching in to send a kid to summer camp. Only with blood. Lots and lots of blood.

Bradley's got to be the consensus #1 pick, and by naming him, I'm pretty sure that he's going to have me killed as well. (My real name, in case you are wondering, is Bill Simmons, and I live in Los Angles. Loved you during the playoff run in Oakland, MB!)

There's also the fact that by naming him, we've amped up the paranoia, so I'd like to apologize in advance to the people in Milton's gated community, for all of the trouble we caused for your morning commute. Those helicopters from the cable news channels are sure annoying, but do me the small favor of not telling us he was a quiet man who kept to himself, OK? Spice it up.

Add your candidates and outrage in the comments. Remember, it's only fun until someone loses their life... provided you don't have money on it. Then, it's still fun!