TOP 11 REASONS WHY MY FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE IS BETTER THAN YOURS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

So much better, in fact, that you'll want to email me at dmt shooter at gmail dot com to claim one of the few remaining slots in my league, the Leather Crown Cult. (No, seriously.) Now, on to the list.

11. Points, not head to head. So you were really excited about winning your matchup because your field goal kicker hit a last-second... sorry, I passed out in the middle of your hypothetical, because it was SO FREAKING MEANINGLESS. Play for points, forget your small sample size silliness, and accept the idea that the best team should, you know, actually win. A pox on your H2H.

10. It's an auction. If you like serpentine drafts, you probably also like cuddling and just being friends. Step up and play a man's game, people. You do not have Mad Drafting Skillz because you had the foresight to win the first pick drafting position and take that Tomlinson guy. In my world, if you want LDT, you're going to spend hard to get him, and run the risk of not having enough to be competitive on the rest of your squad. So sac up already.

9. Keep your redrafts. This is Keeper League. Enough with living and dying with a guy for one regular season, then tossing him aside and flushing the whole thing for next year. In keeper leagues, you can taste that sweet low money bid luckout for years to come, and have the guy that you missed by a buck haunt you for years. That's good drama!

8. The right amount of money. Guys that play for free... I'm thinking they also scrapbook. Guys that play for huge jack are probably getting a visit from a loan shark at some point. You want enough buy-in to ensure that no one stops trying (the keeper league aspect helps there), and that the check at the end of the year is worthwhile. More or less than that, pass.

7. No fees. Leagues that charge for transactions are UnAmerican, dammit. (Besides, if you do a keeper league, add/dropping scrubs that you can't keep next year gets a lot less attractive.)

6. Live and in-person draft. There is no substitute for the best day of the year to be a nerd; for this, I will brook no argument. Being trapped in a room with your fellow degenerates for hours on end, cracking highly offensive jokes at each other's expense, and just wallowing in the timewaste... it's pure, it's uncut, it should not be missed. And your online drafts are infant strength in comparison.

5. An Honest to God War Room. My Man Space comes equipped with the Throne seen above, and is also below the earth. You will get in touch with your inner cave man, and you will tell your spouse that there is no cell phone reception down here. (There is, of course, but she doesn't need to know that.)

4. Throne Bidding. See that throne? It's in the Man Space. It's Gold, Bitches. I can die like Elvis now. So can you, though I'd much rather you didn't. You can also stick your hand out of the curtain and bid on Jeremy Shockey, while producing your own Jeremy Shockey. That's Class!

3. Production Values. Big Board? Of course. Board Babe? That would be telling. Fog machine? Check. Strobe lights? Got it. Theater sound system to pump out your entrance music? That's just how we ride, dog. Spend the time from now until the draft obsessing about what's really important -- your team name and entrance music. Aw Yeah.

2. Utter shamelessness. By now, I think you've gotten a bit of the point of the Leather Crown Cult, but for the mouth breathers, let me spell this out simply. If you're going to be a big fantasy sports nerd, just own it. Don't pretend to be casual just to give yourself a fallback position for your team sucking.

LCC owners know that they're going to spend an afternoon neck-deep in timewaste; we're not going daintily into that pool. We're tucking in the legs, jumping off the high board, and trying to push all of the water out with a truly epic cannonball. Dainty ain't shit.

1. Dork Artifact. And the piece de resistance... an actual, physical trophy. I'd show the Leather Crown to you, but the concentration of that much Total Awesomeness in one blog post could easily shut down the Internets. Just know that if you join my league, you will see it, touch it, and dream of one day walking down the street wearing it on your head, just to see how many random women lunge out of their homes and cars to service you sexually. Because it's just that damn cool. (You will, of course, never own the Crown, as I will crush you. But you are permitted to dream. For now.)

Feel free to ping me for an invite, or attempt to take some of these ideas for your own league. (It will still not be as good as mine, but it will at least have Partial Awesomeness.)

You're with DMt in Leather...