GETTING THE CARNIE FOLK TO GO GREEN

by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field

Happy July 4, eh. No doubt on the birthday of the greatest country of the world, you're mulling over the reality that it's pretty slow time on the sports calendar, nothing but baseball all the way until about Labour Day.

Well, it doesn't have to be that way. The CFL season is upon us -- frequent kicking, single points for missed field goals and ties, you bet! (We've got the NCAA-style overtime shootout, but it ends after two possessions per team, so it happens.) As one of Epic Carnival's Canadian bureau, duty calls to spend the Independence Day weekend trying to demystify the great Canaduian game for you lot and maybe convert you to Sa-skat-chew-an Roughriders fans.

This grows out of a post that was intended to explain each CFL team's American analog. The real stumbling block, though, was trying to relate what it must be like to follow the 'Riders. The Green Bay Packers analogy is way too obvious, plus you don't want to trivialize Riderville by using all the Cheesehead cliches. (Well, there's that, plus I'm a Vikings fan.)

There is nothing in pro sports that's quite like following Saskatchewan, which has been and probably always will be the only professional team of consequence in the Prairie province. It's got a bit of the sense you'd get from, say, Indiana Hoosiers or Kansas Jayhawks basketball, or SEC football -- there's that whole sense of all activity in the province grinding to a halt when the game is on, of farmers listening to the play-by-play on portable radios in the barn. Watching a game with a 'Riders fan -- the Saskatchewan diaspora of the '80s and '90s, before it became a "have" province, means there's a good chance you work with one -- is also like being pulled into someone else's family drama. It's more complex and layered than you could ever hope to comprehend, but like June Carter Cash in Walk The Line, you're already down there.

Besides, even if the 'Riders weren't the reigning Grey Cup champions, cheering for them is more pure than rooting for one of the other CFL teams:

British Columbia Lions
American analog: The San Diego Chargers. They're good every so often, but they're on the West Coast so no one notices. They also have a tendency to give it away in the playoffs.

Calgary Stampeders
American analog: Cincinnati Bengals. They haven't racked up quite the same rap sheet, but they give off that vibe as a talented team which can, and does, usually find a way to give away a game. Their 34-31 loss on Thursday to Edmonton was a prime example. The Stamps went 85 yards in about 25 seconds to take the lead with 1:38 left, only to let Edmonton put together a winning touchdown drive in just 44 seconds for the win.

Edmonton Eskimos
American analog(s): Notre Dame football under Charlie Weis, Nebraska under Bill Callahan, Florida under Ron Zook ... you get the drift.

The Eskimos, who used to be automatic for a Grey Cup every few years, have fallen on hard times under the Chipmunk, coach Danny Maciocia, who always looks like he has about as much command over a game as a substitute teacher has over a 10th-grade gym class. The rest of the league doesn't have too much sympathy now that the shoe's on the other foot.

Classic Maciocia: Up by nine points in the fourth quarter vs. Calgary on Thursday, the Eskimos pass rush forced an incomplete pass, even though the Stamps had a receiver who was completely uncovered running a deep post. On the next play, the receiver ran the same route, was again uncovered, and caught a 65-yard touchdown. Yet Edmonton still won the game, since their former NFL receivers, Kelly Campbell and Jason Tucker, made some highlight-reel catches on the winning drive.

Hamilton Tiger-Cats
American analog: The Detroit Lions. The Ticats seem to be stuck in a time-space continuum where every season brings talk about a great turnaround, but it hasn't happened. They also chose a wide receiver No. 1 overall in the 2007 draft.

Montreal Alouettes
American analog: New York Giants -- they wear the same colours, and they're kind of full of themselves. Also a former employer of Jesse Palmer.

Toronto Argonauts
American analog: The New York Mets. They're not the most successful organization, and they've had their share of gong show moments through the years, but everyone hates them on general principle for being from the country's most important city. They're not even that well-liked in their own city.

Winnipeg Blue Bombers
American analog: The Philadelphia Eagles -- the fans are knowledgeable but embittered by a long championship drought, so they tend heavily toward being crusty and cynical. The quarterback and the coaches in The 'Peg are always to be treated heavily with suspicision, for the same way the Philly media is always skeptical toward Donovan McNabb. Do you need it spelled out?

One last point: Becoming a 'Riders fan would be a great chance to mock That Guy. You know how there's always someone in your social circle who wears the jersey of foreign soccer teams like it's a badge of coolness, and everyone around you buys into it? (Never mind that the guy only bought his Sporting Lisbon shirt because he liked the colours.) Well, order up a Roughriders jersey, just to point out the lunacy of thinking it's all-fired great to wear the jersey of a foreign football team.

So seriously, as much as the CFL can be taken seriously -- what is football if you can't enjoy with a little ironic detachment? -- go Green, go 'Riders.