TOP 10 REASONS WHY YOU WON'T WIN YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Plenty of places will tell you why your real team is doomed. But who is going to tell you why you're not going to win in Nerd Ball, either -- even though you probably haven't even held your draft yet? Me, that's who. Now step aside and see if you might learn something.

10. Overpreparation. Bought a fantasy football annual already, have you? Congratulations. You do realize that those are written by dyspeptic chimps whose idea of trenchant analysis is that Tom Brady Is Good, and that Fred Taylor is getting old... and that everyone else in your league has also read those words, and half of them are also taking your Cunning Scheme of going the opposite way... and that the only way this overpreparation can end is by challenging a Sicilian in a contest of death. I haven't even gotten started!

9. Underpreparation. I bet you don't even know who DeSean Jackson is, and how he's just one Reggie Brown injury or ineffective play away from putting up big numbers -- I mean, Hank Baskett numbers. ANd here you aren't even aware of how he's holding up so far in Lehigh, or if his Cal-Berkeley bulk can possibly hold up in East Coast humidity. Meanwhile, Reggie Brown's situation is known only to the truly trained insiders who go the extra mile of having trained insider spy scouts on the premises. I'd give up now, if I were you, if it weren't so transparently obvious that you've already done that.

8. Karma. Come on, you never win these things. It's because God hates you for all of those awful things you did behind the dumpster with the fat chick in the stonewashed denim who was OK so long as she didn't, you know, talk. You know where she is now? Rubbing a voodoo doll that looks like you from back then in dryer lint from an old Ryan Leaf jersey. You think you're coming back from that? No chance.

7. Draft position. No one ever wins when they draft from your position -- just look it up, and you'll see that you've got the slot that always winds up with Star Running Injury and Suddenly Useless Veteran. Oh, you're going for Sure Thing WR in the second? Suck on Sudden Disappointment From Aging. Ha ha!

6. Fear. You know that everyone's going to laugh at you when you make your pick, right? They all know more than you, are more decisive, and just have a better feel for this sort of thing. They also know about what you're doing with women's underwear, and how you just can't stop thinking about shoes. That's because, unlike you, they don't have a SHAMEFUL SECRET THAT WILL BE EXPOSED IN THE WHITE HOT FIRE OF THE DRAFT CRUCIBLE. Try not to blink so much.

5. Inebriation. Hey, you know what you need? A little liquid relaxation. Have a cold one; it'll help take the edge off. Besides, you won't be driving for a long time. Heck, have two, it's the best day of the year... especially when you aren't, you know, three sheets to the wind and drafting Kurt Warner in the third because God spoke to you in the bathroom. It's OK, though. God's got your back.

4. Endurance. You know when you're really going to lose this draft? In the late rounds, when I'm going to be pulling diamonds from the rough, and you're going to be drafting Joe Horn. Again. That's because I've spent the last six months prepping for this draft, pulling two a day mocks, and honing my doughy sun-hating body into an absolutely animalistic drafting machine. And so has everyone else in this draft. Muhahahee!

3. Homerism. When push comes to shove, guess who's going to take Aging Skill Player who isn't cutting it anymore, but wears your laundry with pride? That's right, it's you. Of course, this will also mean that you're going to miss out on Emerging SKill Player who will take his numbers and your heart, leaving you with a double case of fantasy homer blue balls. That's because real winners refuse to see players from their favorite team as anything but heartless lumps of meat. The world is ours, my callous brethren!

2. Callousness. Oh, you're learned your lesson this year, and now you're sworn off the siren call of Hero Player on Favorite Team? Fantastic. Finally, the rest of us can get our filthy hands on him, especially now that he's got the magic ju-ju to have his finest year ever. Your smart pick of team and player you don't care a fig about will get vultured in the red zone, wounded in the playoffs, and make you wish you had only listened to your heart. You heartless bastard. How could you?

1. Idiocy. You know what I, the guy who will wind up winning your league, have been doing while you've wasted your time with this sorry bit of timewaste, that you've read entirely in the forlorn hope that there was a nugget of drafting widsom buried deep within? (Julius Jones will be better than people think in Seattle, at least in home games. Willie Parker has some bounce back in him, but he's still going to be Fred Taylor-essue due to the lack of touchdowns. Dwayne Bowe and Roddy White have to be better than last year, because their QBs can't be worse. I'd tell you more, but it'll cost $1.99 a minute, and operators are standing by...)

Well, I've been doing draft prep. And hiring a private investigator to find that fat chick in the denim to show up at the draft and ask you why you never called. And culling together insulting entrance music for each owner. (Yours will be "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen. The stonewash chick says it brings back memories.)

And now that you know everything that's going to happen to you in my draft... I don't have to do any of it. BECAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY THINKING ABOUT IT. AND YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD MEAT ON A STICK.

Now, who wants in to my new league? We've still got a few openings!