TOP 12 FORCES OR EVENTS THAT COULD SAVE US FROM FAVRARO

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Hello, my name is DMtShooter, and I'm a Favraholic.

I am powerless before my addiction to fill my sports blog with Brett Favre's latest comings, goings, itches and decisions.

So are you.

It's the perfect storm of Sports Dead Time Plus Irresistible Jock Itch.

And I... am... powerless to stop it.

But there are forces that can.

12. Child trapped. Maybe this is too old-school to really get the sports media off the Favre Hagging, but if the child is cute enough -- I'm thinking no more eight, and hopefully with a missing winsome baby tooth -- it's possible.

11. Mass hypnosis. Clearly, as we are dealing with a large percentage of football fans that continue to let Favre suckle at the publicity teat without turning on him, this has happened before. All we need is a very big shiny object, and the right droning voice that will let Packer Fan know that they are getting sleepy.... sleepy.... very sleepy....

10. Terrorist scare. We haven't one of these in a good long while, and with a presidential election coming up, we're just about due for a good pants-wetting. After the Bad Mail, Lite Brite or Shoe Fireworks keep us from voting with our brains, we'll gladly give up any hope of civil liberties and a Favre-free NFL telecast. Remember, if we're not talking about Brett, the terrorists have already won!

9. Missing white women. If I've learned anything from The Media, it's that the world stops when a Girls Gone Wild Goes Missing, preferably in a swarthy climate with sweat-soaked b-roll footage. Come on, Dolphin or Charger cheerleader -- get yourself abducted and/or famous. You could end up in a Lifetime movie, and your poon shots would have a certain over the top guilt factor in the bathroom.

8. Killing spree. Hey, I'm not an inhuman monster here -- I'm not hoping for the violent deaths of innocents just to help readjust media coverage away from Saint Brett. I'm thinking, say, people attending Redskins summer camp. That way, it's a win-win for all of us, and Sean Taylor's Ghost will have some company, and the Native American populace will get some tiny measure of payback.

7. Stake in heart. If Aaron Rodgers really wants this job, all he's got to do is break into Favre's crypt shortly after dawn with a wooden stake and good aim. Hey, if an angsty blonde teenager that's probably not even a hundred pounds soaking wet (and that's how I likes 'em) can do it a few hundred times, why can't he? (And speaking of people who need stakes in their hearts, someone get Joss Whedon to stop dicking around and make something already. I don't give a crap that Fox broke his heart when they canceled "Firefly." Boo freaking hoo. Get to work and stop wasting your gift, jerk. And we now return you to your regularly scheduled Favre HateFest.)

6. Violence against animals. Can't someone plant an abused kitten or twelve on the Favre Estate? Your local PETA activist, who hasn't really had enough to do since Vickgate, will thank you. (Off camera, of course. And if she shaves, that's good value, especially given the inevitable Daddy issues. Just don't leave your real number. Ah, memories.)

5. Heroic disease. This just in... Favre contracted Lou Gehrig Disease from Curt Schilling's kids. (I just assume, since he named them after the Iron Martyr, that they had it.) Or he got HIV from shaking hands with Magic Johnson as they were constructing housing for Katrina victims. I'll take what I can get here, folks -- even if it means decades of PSAs. JUST MAKE THE PLAYING / NOT PLAYING STOP.

4. Global warming. Finally, the lower standard of living that you'll be forced to endure just so that snooty liberals can make everyone live with less (Muhahahaha! Komrades, we have finally achieved the perfect gambit to defeat Capitalism!) pays off. Once the Canadian permafrost melts, Wisconsin will be flooded, and given the general aerobic state of its residents, I'm not counting on them being able to get out of the way of slowly rising water. Once the Cheesetards are gone, Favre will be sure to follow.

3. Domestic pandemic. Let's all breathe deep and take in that Asian Bird Of Death Flu that was supposed to take us all out a few years ago. Sure, the living will envy the dead, but you can't make a Bird of Death Flu without breaking a few pandemic eggs.

2. Angry black men. Someone call Reverend Wright, and tell him that there's no black quarterback that's done what Favre's doing -- and if you are counting by rings, Doug Williams has ever right. Heck, Steve McNair was gutty and well-liked by his teammates; couldn't he have drawn out his semi-retirement for a few more years? IT'S A CONSPIRACY! Get that Angry Black Man in front of a microphone, stat!

1. Thermonuclear War. The ultimate horror will be survived by only Keith Richards and the cockroaches... neither of whom have shown much of an interest in football, other than as a way towards their next meal. So even when (not if) Saint Brett survives the horrors and the nuclear winter and the meltdown, there won't be anyone to pay attention to his widdle boy will-I-or-won't-I routine. Which you'd think we could achieve without the thermonuclear war, but just to be sure....