YELLOW PERIL

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

I was lounging pool-side with a cocktail at the palatial Manse EC this morning when Editor-in-Chief and billionaire tyrant DC Scrap dumped a bottle of hideously expensive champagne over my head.

"Get your lazy ass to work," he said, hovering above in his titanium gyro-coptor. "You haven't posted in months. I'm off to check on the Brazilian holdings, but my manservent Hiermonyus will be keeping me appraised of your sloth. Get cracking or it's back to the salt mines with you."

He was right, of course. A new job and a lack of sports (or an overabundance of non-football sports) had lowered my interest in blogging to nil. In my defense, part of this is Scrap's fault. What did he expect when he subscribed to the Exotic Hooker of the Month Club (This month: Laotian Ladyboys.)

Next month, we're getting a shipment of former Chinese gymnasts who either failed to qualify for the Olympics or grew breasts in defiance of the Central Committee. These girls would otherwise be on their way to the glue factory if not for the club, so this is really a humanitarian mission.

But as much as I love Chinese gymnasts, I just don't know if I can indulge in a Bolivian Blue Screamer after reading this.

Really? The Chinese are racists too? Can't a brother get a drink and a handjob anywhere in the world without some Kommie Klansman giving him grief? One would think it obvious that denying a man alcohol and ass is the wrong way to go about preventing fights, but evidently China is some sort of Bizarro World where having a bunch of angry, horny, completely sober guys roaming the streets sounds like a good idea.

I suppose on one level this is a victory: America's values really have spread around the world! Still, it's a hell of an insult for a man to fly to the opposite side of the world, only to find he'd never left Alabama.

Dammit, now how am I supposed to enjoy the Games? I'm an American; the only Olympic events I give two damns about are basketball and track so I can't actually, you know, watch the Olympics. I had planned to spend my time getting bombed on Chinese beer and banging Mongolian hookers three at a time in hopes of generating some Olympic spirit stateside. I could take part in a drug scandal or kidnap Israeli athletes, but that seems so lowbrow.

S'all good though, China, cause until somebody opens Jigaboo Barbeque, Philly still has one up on ya'.

Let the Games begin!