2008 DETROIT LIONS PREVIEW; THEY STILL SUCK

by Isaac, The World of Isaac

Like most things in my life, I believe there is always a strong correlation to South Park episodes.

That's why it didn't surprise me, when, a couple of weeks ago while watching South Park, I thought of the Detroit Lions.

It was the vote or Die episode. You know, the one where the school wants to change the mascot because of the Peta people.

Well, they had two choices.

A giant douche or a turd sandwich.

Folks, as a Lions fan for a better part of my lifetime I've been forced to munch on their turd sandwiches and have repeatedly been getting regular Sunday douches.

And then, finally, last year, I gave up.

I stopped watching them religiously. If a game was on, so be it. But I didn't care. I didn't check stats, I didn't go to games, I just didn't care.

And now, I don't have that sh*tty taste in my mouth anymore and my nether regions feel fine without the douche. But hey, this is supposed to a preview of the Lions season, so I'll do my best to lie and tell you that I know whats going on.

Running Game

It sucks. If they gain over 1000 yards as a team, then Rod Marinelli should be the coach of the year. They have a rookie Rb and one of the worst offensive lines in football. They have 6 games in their division against some of the best running defenses in the league.

Passing Game

You need time to throw. Something Kitna doesn't have. They should consider throwing fade patterns to Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams on every down.

Defense

They'll probably be improved because they won't have that fat slob Shaun Rogers running out every other play. But improved doesn't say much when the only player of note on your defense is Ernie Sims.

Special Teams

I saw Lions Kicker Jason Hanson at the movies with his kids. I think one of his kids just graduated from medical school. I would guess that means he's about 50. Oh yeah, he's probably the best and most consistent player on the team

Coaching

I like Rod Marinelli but I also feel bad for him. No Lions coach has ever gone on and had success anywhere else. Mooch, Moeller, Fontes are all in rehab from their days with the organization. Only Marty Mohrinweg has had any semblance of success.

Management

Put it this way, Matt Millen is scared to show his face in Detroit. I'm serious. I used to see the guy all the time eating out with friends and now, he's nowhere to be found. He is more hated than Kwame Kilpatrick (and Kwame supposedly killed someone too).

I'll be honest, if I saw Matt Millen somewhere, I would probably urinate on his face and take a steaming pile of crap on his chest.

Wait, is that going overboard?

Prediction

If this team wins more than 8 games, I will be shocked. In fact, I'll put my nuts on the line...literally

IF THE 2008 DETROIT LIONS HAVE A WINNING RECORD, I WILL ALLOW AN EPIC CARNIVAL AUTHOR TO COME AND KICK ME IN THE TESTICLES.

I don't know which author lives closest and I don't care. Free reign on my nuts boys and girls.