AARON RODGERS IS SCREWED

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

As anyone with even a passing interest in football knows, Brett Favre is returning to the Packers. (And if you don't know, wait. Someone from NFLN will be at your door shortly.) And, after insisting that the long-suffering Aaron Rodgers was the starter for 2008 and that the offense had been specifically designed for his strengths, the Packers have now announced that they will accommodate Farve (aka Lord Fauntleroy) and allow him to compete for the starting job.

This after years of his Hillbilly Hamlet act where he publicly vacillated about retiring for years, retired, shafted the team by saying he wanted to comeback, changing his mind about coming back and changing his mind about coming back again. Now he gets to make violent love to Rodgers' cornhole, too.

Rodgers could win this competition. The offense has been tailor-made for him and Favre has been sitting on his ass, eating Cheetos and watching movies on Lifetime for the past six months ("The Betty Broderick Story" is his favorite). But if Rodgers wins, the assumption will be that Mike McCarthy simply gave him the job. And that he hates Brett Favre's children, which is true, but saying it aloud is tacky.

If Favre wins, Rodgers' career in Green Bay is almost certainly over. He'll have lost his job to a 38-year-old guy who missed all the OTAs and now maintains the finest Meredith Baxter Birney fansite on the Series of Tubes. Rodgers is a free agent after next season and what could Green Bay possibly offer him after this? A personalized butter churn? Free subscription to the Sausage of the Month Club? A contract clause similar to Kobe Bryant's allowing him free access to the assholes of no fewer than a dozen white women in the community?

Nope, Rodgers is probably gone after 2009. Were I him, I'd put my house on the market today, not only as a message to management but because in this economy it could take 24 months to sell. No sense in losing equity just to make a point.

After falling to 24th in the draft, sitting behind a teammate who publicly said he wouldn't help him develop and waiting around while Favre wobbled like the tits on my favorite stripper (Mercedes, call me), Rodgers must be wondering what past-life sins he's paying for now. But two years isn't that long and he'll still be a young man with little wear on his tires. Detroit will almost certainly need a QB by then, New England could too. Rodgers could be in line for any number of starting jobs in 2010.

But if they offer you that assholes clause, Aaron, you take it. Then get some lube and a phone book and find out whether the Favres have a Green Bay address.