RAIDERS PREVIEW

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

Take that baby out of your mouth, Raider fan. We're going to talk about your squad. Mind you, I'd rather not. The Raiders have been unspeakable since getting hammered in Super Bowl XXXVII. They've lost 61 games in the past five years, the worst record in the NFL.

But, while lounging about Manse EC, eating grapes hand-peeled by eunuchs, editor and billionaire tyrant DC Scrap ordered me to write about the Raiders for our NFL preview.

"C'mon, Scrap," I said. "I apologized for filling the pool with chocolate pudding. You were the one who signed us up for that Exotic Hooker of the Month Club and how was I supposed to know you were allergic? Didn't I take you to the hospital? Eventually. The Raiders stink and I ... Say, the Raiders. That's a great idea, Scrap. I'll get right on that."

Nothing focuses the mind like the sound of the slide on a Desert Eagle, especially when it's in the hand of a man who walked out of Peru after a failed secret operation against the Shining Path. Legend has it he survived for seven weeks on nothing but the local moonshine and the screams of the dying.

In any event, the Oakland Raiders. Well, the front seven was abysmal last year. They ranked within the bottom five in every category maintained by Football Outsiders. Despite his size, DT Terdell Sands got pushed around and Warren Sapp was never great against the run. In 2007 he was old, fat(ter) and working on his matador impression, so things got really ugly.

BUT, there was a potential savior in the draft. LSU DT Glenn Dorsey has been called the next coming of Sapp and he was just sitting there, all brown and glistening like Sapp's favorite hams, when the Raiders went on the clock with pick #4. They picked Arkansas RB Darren McFadden. Wha?

There is something to be said for solidifying one's strengths and the Raiders were solid in the running game, the OL rebounding from the kind of season in 2006 that gets people shot. McFadden will team with leading rusher Justin "Why doesn't anybody ever call me Fly Guy?" Fargas in the backfield. That should be a pretty good running game and it should take some pressure off second-year QB and new starter JaMarcus "Yes, I'd love another piece of cornbread" Russell.

Unfortunately, you cannot run into the playoffs in the modern NFL and the WRs are a less than imposing crew. Oakland is placing its hopes Javon Walker, an oft-injured head case, Ronald Curry, who's just oft-injured, and Drew Carter, who missed his entire rookie season with the Panthers because of a knee injury and couldn't beat out whatever Carolina had starting across from Steve Smith in 2006. But he put up solid numbers last year, 38 catches for 517 yards and four touchdowns, so maybe he's rounding into his own.

As for Russell, well, first-year starters tend to stink on toast, so he probably shouldn't be a high pick in your fantasy league.

There is still the matter of the defense. The secondary should be very good. CB Nnamdi Asomugha is becoming a star and even though CB DeAngelo Hall isn't as good as he thinks, he's still pretty good. His interception numbers could increase as teams challenge him rather than Asomugha. After years of playing out of position at SS, Michael Huff has moved back to his natural FS. Free agent signing Girbril Wilson takes over at SS. He will not enjoy the same kind of pass rush he had with the Giants.

The linebackers? Eh. MLB Kirk Morrison is probably the best player in the front seven, but that ain't sayin' much.

Which brings us back to the DL and $50.5 million DT Tommy Kelly. Let me repeat that: TOMMY KELLY HAS A $50.5 MILLION CONTRACT. He had as many knee injuries as sacks last year, one. Evidently the best way to get paid in Oakland is to get injured and do almost nothing the year before. He's taking over for the retired Sapp, so he doesn't have big shoes to fill but he can sure afford a closet filled with nothing but gators lined with spotted owl feathers BECAUSE HE'S GOT A $50.5 MILLION CONTRACT.

Oh, and this team has had seven head coaches in the past 13 years. And Al Davis -- billionaire tyrant, noted crazy person and one of Scrap's poker buddies -- tried to fire Lane Kiffin after last season. Stability is for pussies, sez Al.

There is more I could say about this team, but I just don't want to. Frankly, it's damned depressing. Kansas City is a mess and Denver is a mystery, so Oakland could go 3-3 in the division and finish second behind San Diego. They play the AFC East and the NFC South, two of the weaker divisions, so they . . . will probably still lose 10 games again.

But, if Russell pans out and the get the DL and the WRs in order and Kelly earns his money AND Davis stops spending money like he can actually feel the icy breath of the Reaper on his neck, this team might not suck. In three years.