NFL SEASON PREVIEWS... THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!

by Andrew, The Grand National Championships

Ah, the Patriots. So many reasons to hate on them. A coach who cheats to win, runs up the score, and has a rumored sex tape. A quarterback who regularly has sex with supermodels. A wide receiver tag team of the inspiration for the life Brian Kendrick's living right now. A lineman who draws the ire of Carmelo Anthony on a regular basis. Rodney Harrison.

And I didn't even go to the chestnut of the stereotypical Boston fan, right? I just did? Ooh, sorry.

But you know what? In sports as well as entertainment? You need a strong stable of heels. Commando would have sucked without the bad guys. So to would have WCW from 1986-1999.

If the Patriots weren't dominant last year? The Super Bowl would have been known for what it really was. 58 minutes of boredom, 2 minutes of awesome.

But we've gone through 2007. What about 2008?

Offensively? More of the same. The limousine driving, jet flying, kiss stealing, wheeling, dealing son of a bitch has a floor of 35 TD Passes. Most of them will go to Moss. "The" Wes Welker will live on the 8 yard slant. And the plan is that Chad Jackson will supplant Jabar Gaffney as the #2. Ben Watson and David Thomas will fight among the scraps. And if you want a good running back fantasy deep sleeper play? LaMont Jordan is a more talented version of Sammy Morris. He is your vulture.

Defensively? Let me be the first to coin the new safety duo. They shall now and forever be known as the Brain Busters. Rodney Harrison is the guy who'll headhunt your grandma for 50 cents, and John Lynch is Tully Blanchard, the Born Again Christian who will headhunt your grandma for a dollar. The Front Seven? They're fine. But the Back Seven? Remember that joke from that one ESPN Commercial about Jimmy Key?

No? Fuck. See, they're old, and we should be shocked that they're still playing effectively.

Bill Belichick mumbled something about the hoody needing the booty when I asked how he was going to gameplan this season.

Final analysis? Their division sucks, they'll get tripped up in a close game and lose an inexplicable game.

But the Chargers still have Norv as head coach.

14-2. Your AFC Super Bowl Representative.