Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: SEATTLE NEEDS HEROES...


by Andrew, The Grand National Championships

I am not a man who likes to hate. I cannot do it with style and creativity. Especially when it tangentially involves a Wisconsin dude. But you know what?

The Seattle Mariners are run by two very special kids named Davey and Kyle.

They have to be. Jarrod Washburn sucks ass. Let me say that again. Jarrod Washburn sucks ass. He's been living off being lefthanded and a Presidents of the United States of America 2-hit wonderdom of 2002 (I call that one Peaches) and 2005 (a.k.a Lump).

Claudio Vargas looks at him in disgust. Runelvys Hernandez is at his level. And yet? Teams inexplicably like him. I don't know why? They just do.

Some would blame Bill Bavasi for the state of the M's. Some would blame Erik Bedard. Not me. Jarrod Washburn is Shiva the Destroyer for your Seattle Mariners.

But there was hope. Proof that God shined on the retarded. The Minnesota Twins are in a hard-fought race for the AL Central. And they're short on pitching after they let Livan Hernandez go. And seeing as a scrub like Jarrod Washburn is just a tad better than shitty. They decided to offer Boof Bonser.

Now, I know what you're saying. Boof Bonser's ERA is above 6! He's allowed 12 homers in less than 100 IP! 115 Hits as well! Davey and Kyle did the right thing.

No. No they didn't. See, let's talk about baseball teams. Baseball teams worth their salt have cult heroes. These men, while flawed, are the catalysts for their teams emergence. The Cubs were nothing more than an overpaid joke until Ryan Theriot came around. Ned Yost was nearly fired before Russell Branyan brought to bear the Milwaukee Brewers full potential.

And Sox fan, you still love Millar for '04 don't ya?

Boof Bonser would have brought the Mariners back to good for 2009. Boof Bonser would have been able to stem the devil that is Jim Riggleman and make Seattle a fun baseball town again.

The Boof Troop will rise. Somewhere, someday. They will rise to make a team great. I believe in Boof Bonser.

But today? Seattle decided they would be a town for villains. There truly is a better class of baseball criminal there. Boof Bonser would have saved them.

He would have saved us all.

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