by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Ever notice how your favorite pro football team seems to have the same weakness, year after maddening year? (This is where you nod your head vigorously. Good theoretical audience.) Well, here's a list of the Heels of Achilles. Enjoy, or wince, or both.
10. Chicago Bears Quarterback. When your best is a guy that played during the freaking Depression (Sid Luckman), and you have glorious memories of a limited game manager (Jim McMahon)... um, the franchise history really, really sucks. Don't hate on Orton and Sexy Rexy; they are just keeping up tradition.
9. Philadelphia Eagles Linebacker. For most Eagles fans, the last one we liked was Seth Joyner. (OK, William Thomas had his moments, but not like the Linebacker From A Town Called Hate.) Seth stopped playing ball for the home team, um, fifteen years ago. Thomas's last year in Eagle green was in the last millennium. We will now stop to remember the Dhani Jones Era, and kick a wall. Hard.
8. Detroit Lions Quarterback. Here's the funniest and best thing you will ever need to know about the Lions... remember Scott Mitchell? Breathtakingly awful big lefty QB who signed a big contract as Dan Marino's understudy, and stunk to nearly Bobby Hoying-esque levels? Well, he's in something called the Lions Legends, who, according to the Lions, "created special moments and added to the lore of football in the Motor City." Would those special moments include losing the job to the immortal Dave Krieg and Charlie Batch, or the 65 career INTs in 57 starts? Only in Detroit does one decent year make you a Legend.
Oh, and the rest of the Lions QBs since Bobby Layne have also stunk on ice. When your best is Rodney Peete and Jon Kitna, you are not exactly covering yourself in glory.
7. Rams Defensive Back. Going back to the start of the franchise, the Rams have been in operation in the NFL since 1936. They've had Hall of Famers all over the place, a defensive line for the ages in the early 1970s, and a pinball offense in the early part of this century. But what they've never had is a defensive back that's been a real keeper, unless Adam Archuleta is your idea of quality. Take heart, Rams Fan -- it's tradition to follow the opposing WR into the end zone.
Oh, they did have Dick "Night Train" Lane, a legendary hitter and Hall of Famer, at the start of his career, when he set a rookie record with 14 picks. They traded him to the Lions. I'm telling you, bad DB decisions is in the DNA for this laundry.
6. Saints Tight End. Let's just say that Jeremy Shockey is going to enjoy the competition, when walking wounded Eric Johnson and vagabond Billy Miller count as some of the more notable in the position's history. The best in franchise history is probably Mike Ditka, which doesn't much count, seeing as he only coached them. After that, you've got something called Henry Childs and the very best Hoby (Brenner) ever to play in the NFL. They should just put Shockey in the Saints Hall of Fame in his first game and make him feel more at home.
5. Eagles Coach. One of the great secrets of the Philly market is that the great majority of us are happy with Andy Reid, and the simple reason is that they rank very highly in our history. When your history includes Rich Kotite, Mike McCormick, Marion Campbell, Joe Kuharich and a confederacy of dunces that stagger the imagination, suddenly a guy with a .611 winning percentage looks damned good -- even if his kids are wanted in three states. Seriously, in 75 years, it's Greasey Neale, Dick Vermeil and Cap'n Andy. Not exactly a torrent of glory.
4. Cardinals Owner. How much has The Bidwell Family (yes, it's been handed down from father to son) screwed this franchise? Enough so that the gods of football karma have seen fit to stone them through three cities, innumerable quarterbacks, coaches and general managers, and a solid decade of The Cardinals Could Surprise This Year preview stories that never come to fruition. When your franchise's crowning moment of glory is a first round playoff win that starred Jake Plummer, it goes behind a particular position or draft approach. This fish rots from the head down, and in Bidwell's 45 (!) years as the owner, they have had four (yes, four) playoff appearances in that time. This is the oldest professional football team in North America, and they have not appeared in so much as a conference championship game since World War Two. Swish that around your mouth for a while and see how that tastes; it tastes like the reason why Cardinals Fan is among the rarest fan in the NFL.
3. Bengals Management. Mike Brown's legacy is nearly Bidwell-esque in its incompetence, but with the added flavor of constant arrests adding to the futility. For a team that's supposed to be led by a defensive mastermind in Marvin Lewis, and by Family Values types in top management, there's something mighty fishy going on in Porkopolis... and on some level, it's nice to know they can lose with reprobates as easily as they lost with clean cut citizens.
2. Buffalo Kicker. Is this an unfair ranking for one wide kick? No. If Scott Norwood's kick is true, Buffalo would have won its first trip to the Super Bowl, and would have made future embarrassments in the big game much less likely. They would have also spared the nation the next fifteen years of abject Bill Parcells worship, as he would have been a Billickian one-time winner, rather than a multiple unquestioned genius. Such is the power of the curse of Buffalo Kicker that the team has not won since, and that the best player in their history became a multiple murderer. Allegedly. (Ignore the fact that they didn't win before, please.)
1. Jets QB. Oh, am I going there, you Namath worshipers? Hell and yes. When your absolute best is Chad Pennington and Boomer Esiason, and your absolute worst is among the worst things that have ever sullied an NFL field... and oh, by the way, Namath may be the most overrated quarterback in NFL history when you look at the numbers... well, let's just say that Brett Favre's future flameout will be right in tune with the rest of your sorry legacy. Good night, and good luck.
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Tuesday, August 26, 2008
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43 comment(s):
Finally, someone who agrees with me about Namath being "possibly" the most over-rated QB in history. I love stats and looking at his and him being in the HOF stuns me! There are many QB's not in the HOF with better stats! I know, different era...but still, when rated against the QB's of his time, he still wasn't high up.
Detroit QB: Couldn't have said it better, though I would have rated this #1 with an additional comment about their coaches. Fontes?! Coaching for Detroit is the black hole of a career. No head coach has gone on to coach another NFL team...only 1 went back to the college ranks.
Anyhow, great list!
For those of us old enough to remember the 70's the Rams had two great defensive backs, Nolan Cromwell and Rod Perry. Their jinx is is more recent than you think.
Also, Henry Childs was a very good tight end on some terrible Saints teams. I'd put beloved Archie Manning on your list of overrated QB's.
the last time the detroit lions had a pro bowl qb
that's right folks
1972
that's #1 right there
Hey,
Fuck you and your no championship having city! Before you start that shit with the Jets, I think you should have actually seen one of your team win something besides the Soul. Congrats on that asshole!
Namath was more appreciated for his cultural significance and beating the unbeatable in one of the greatest upsets of all time you idiot. Oh and BTW he said he would do before hand!
I guess the US hockey team that beat the Russians holds no water with you because none of the guys put up good numbers in the NHL. You’re a jackass and I am now dumber reading your stuip post.
I hope you get herpes. And thanks for Richie Kotex!
You’re a jackass and I am now dumber reading your stuip post.
Oh, the irony
Thank you, sir. You're one of the nicer J-E-T-S JETS JETS fans, in that you went for herpes, as opposed to cancer or AIDS. For Rich Kotite, I was expecting something much more crippling.
You missed Aeneas Williams for the Rams, he was a decent DB.
Agreed, but Aeneas did his best work for the Cardinals. If and when he goes to Canton, he should be wearing the bird head.
It was supposed to be misspelled you idiot, that is all part of the joke. It makes me not want to punch you in the face so much.
And you also forget that Dre Bly played for ST Louis and he just might make the Hall, Jack Ass.
Your idiocy knows no bounds.
A joke. Riiiiight. So you acknowledge that Namath was, in fact, better known for his off-the-field exploits than anything he did on the field (and he was lousy in Super Bowl III, shhh) while still maintaining he's not overrated. Yep.
I have to give Shooter shit because he ignored Jeremiah Trotter, an excellent LB and one of the most popular players in Eagles history. Also, I had a hand in at least three of those entries (the Bidwells were my idea, dammit) yet I get no credit. Looks like the Lead Pipe of Justice is getting a workout tonight.
Yes asshole a joke and ironic one at that.
I guess if a pitcher was in the top 5 of losses all time that would mean he was awful too? Hey check out this list.
Losses
All Time Leaders
'Top 100'
Name Games Rank
Cy Young 316 1
Pud Galvin 308 2
Nolan Ryan 292 3
Walter Johnson 279 4
Phil Niekro 274 5
Gaylord Perry 265 6
Don Sutton 256 7
And the Saints have had some other good tightends so you might want to check that one too. Idiot!
Numbers do not always tell the whole story.
He tuped "Pud" ... hehehe
I misspelled "typed" on purpose.
Man, you're awful bitter. Joe? Is that you? I thought you were off the sauce. I know you're retired, but don't you have hobbies. Why don't you call Ken Anderson and remind that even though he has better stats and you look like more like Madam everyday, you're in the Hall and he's not. You know, like you did yesterday.
Bitter no, realistic yes. Now all of you guys need to go upstairs and tell your moms that you are thinking of moving out of the basement, stop playing World of Warcraft and stop whacking off to picks of the new GI Joe movie.
Bret Farve will be leading my Jets to the promise land this year and that will just add to the amazing number of championship trophies located in the great state of NY. Where we had to elect Hillary to balance out our awesomeness.
Peace out jerkoffs,
Yes I think Joe is slightly overrated, but he was a Bad Brother and banged a ton of ass!
HA! Excellent article. very tongue in cheek, very true. However, I would say Cardinals ownership has really screwed their team so much, they'd make no 1 on my list
And you also forget that Dre Bly played for ST Louis and he just might make the Hall, Jack Ass
Really? That's almost as bad as KoKo B. Ware being in the "Legends of Wrestling" video game.
Todd,
WOW a Koko B Ware ref! Nice, you took a whole day to write that? DUDE come on catch up.
You suck and your references suck. How about an O.J. joke? Ass!
If I didn't know better, I'd say Tracer Bullet is having a fake argument with himself here.
His name is Tyler Durden
I have huge tits
Tracer or whatever the fuck I should call you. Do you prefer Mr. Bullet? Grow up you queer. Do you need a hug? Did Joe sleep with your mom and make you this angry? Don't hate the player hate the game dude.
If you mom was a whore and slept with Joe one hot weekend in Philly then so be it. She is not alone, many a hot MILF were Fu man chooed by the man.
It is ok you keep masturbating in your own stats and just have the blinders on that only stats show greatness. It is ok, I guess Otto Graham and the like were not good ball players either because there stats do not match up with the likes of today’s QB's. You’re an ass!
You know what, you dirt-eating, dick-riding, dumb as a donkey's dick motherfucker? I don't mind spirited banter and if you want to trot out tired bullshit about GI Joes and you're too stupid to know that a QB who throws 50 more interceptions than touchdowns isn't HOF-worthy (and Graham was 57-13-1 with 174 TDs and 135 INTs, you stupid fuck), then so be it. I expect to find knuckle-draggers like you online, even if I can't figure out why your caregivers let you play with the computer.
But now, without the imagination to even come up with decent insult you come after my mother. Now, I'm not a tough guy. I haven't been in a fistfight since college. But, because I know you're the kind of impotent bitch who can only talk tough online, I'm gonna put it out there. Jason L. Harris. 431 Dickinson St. Philadelphia, Pa. 19147. Come on if you're coming, but let me know when you're on your way. I want to make sure I've got somebody to cart your dead ass off my fucking stoop.
Two words asshole Archie Fucking Manning. Played with some horrible teams as did Joe. People still consider him a good quarterback. You want to know the difference? Joe won a Super Bowl Asshead!
You are the same guy who bad mouths a QB like Bradshaw. Yeah he only won 4 rings he deserves no credit because his stats are no where near Tom Brady's. Idiot!
It is a team sport and in one moment Joe took a horrible franchise to the top by beating a team that was the face of the NFL. Moron!
Learn and read up about sports before you bring this weak shit here!
Amazing how brave anonymous people are...
Is your mom going to be there?
Who is bitter now? I guess you are smarter than all the folks who voted for Joe to be in the Hall. We need to rename it to the Hall of "Tracer" and kick Joe out. This way you can sit with your PSP and your fantasy league roster and make sure that everyone who should be there is in the hall.
While we are at it Sandy Kofax does not have 300 wins and he is a Jew. Start the ovens we need to get that bastard!
Did you really just challange me to a fight on a message board? Let me warm up the car and download mapquest. I have a getto to invade! Your a choad!
Of course she'll be there. She's a 51-year-old woman with heart problems and she had surgery in April but, maybe, on the best day of your worthless life, you could give her a fight. I wouldn't bet on it, but Douglas beat Tyson so it might take her more than four minutes to curb-stomp your ass.
Thanks for all the pageviews anonymous. The EC Community thanks you for putting money in our pocket
And Archie Manning was terrible.
One problem with your eagles linebacker list. Anyone who really knows Eagles football history will remember a guy after Seth Joyner by the name Jeremiah Trotter. There have been a couple of others too.
It is a message board you ass! You brought a knife to a gun fight and when you get pummeled you start to cry.
Well if you are expecting sympathy you will not get that here. I love the fact that you are challenging me. Do you still have a mullet?
Poor baby, crying just like all you other white trash Philly assholes.
Did you little feelings get hurt? I am soooo sorry that you let some asshole from NY get so far under that thin skin. I though you guys were tough in Philly?
Listen I am sure your night shift at Rocco’s Pizza and bagels is starting soon, and the cable bill is months behind so I will see you later. CHOAD!
I should have specified outside backer. Teach me to post while drunk. Or to dare challenge J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS Fan's sense of propriety.
So, to make it up to you, let me make good. Vinny Testaverde gave you a fine year. Possibly the best in the history of the franchise. It more than made up for the Richard Todd Era, The Pat Ryan Experience, and the Chad Pennington, Um, Whatever The Hell That Was. You haven't had a bad quarterback experience at all. You haven't won in 38 years because of, um, the refs. Yes, it's all the refs fault. Group hug?
Nope, I shouldn't have lost my temper. After all, you're just a 400-lb virgin from Long Island with greasy hair and pimples on your ass. I mean, you're favorite team hated New York so much it had to leave, but was still too embarrassed to claim New Jersey. Kind of the way your family feels about you. Blah, blah, blah. Namath was a lousy quarterback and your fingers smell like your own asshole. Life goes on.
Easy Shooter,
Those names still make me vomit. Thanks for at least playing and not challenging me to a dual.
It should all be in fun, and I could care less what some choad in philly had to say about me my mom or anything else in my life. I certainly would not ask him to meet me by the monkey bars after my shift at Subway!
I will lay my big head on my pillow tonight and get my 7hrs.
you dreaming about my ass again?
I love you too Mr. Tracer person Bullet guy! Your swell in my book.
I am only 250 and 6'3 honest injen. Name is John Gillespie and I did grow up on L.I. No hair grease and I can assure you that I lost my virginity a long time ago, tell you sister I am sorry about her club foot.
Maybe this will calm everyone down: CLICK!
Jackass,
Jets QB's aren't that bad. Namath, Pennington, Esiason, Ken O'Brien, Richard Todd, Testaverde. Sure, O'Donnell sucks, but he wasn't exactly a fixture for the franchise. If its the most cursed position in sports, why didn't you name ANY Jets QB that sucked in the post? Pennington is a weak armed bitch, but his won/lost isn't bad enough to call him cursed. And Namath changed the course of an entire league, even if wasn't dominant at all times. Richard Todd, Kenny O'Brien, Glenn Foley, Vinny, Esiason, O'Donnell isn't murderers row, but it is nowhere in the same league as say, the Arizona Cardinals owners, or even the Lions QB's. Vinny and Chad took the team to multiple playoff games each. Ken O'Brien made two fucking Pro Bowls. Hell, Vinny had his best years with the Jets. Obviously you want to hate on us for bringing in Farve but can't make a logical argument. Fuck you.
Not a problem, buttergut. She said you liked a foot in your ass and who am I to argue?
I'll give you credit for your Troll Fu. It was good and original. Sadly, the parts that were good were not original and the parts that were original were not good.
S'all good, though. I've found my center and realigned my chi, ya dig? If dick-riding a guy whose game was never as good as his press helps you cry yourself to sleep at night after jerking off to reruns of "Full House," then you do you.
you forget Nolan Cromwell for the Rams 11 years, four pro bowls.
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